Question to the psychologist:
Hello! Please help! I'm 28 years old. Mom of two children (son 11 years old, daughter 4 months old), I work (even on parental leave) as an assistant manager in a brokerage firm. Now I'm going through a divorce. A husband is not a father to his son, but a father to his daughter. Hands dropped as he left.
We met 5 years ago. Courtship, beautiful gestures, perseverance (on his part) - everything was there. At that moment there was a young man, but I succumbed, broke off relations, started new ones. In the beginning everything was fine, romance, telephone conversations all night .. We began to live together. Everything suited me too, one thing was alarming - a strange schedule at work and not a constant income. I got pregnant (I really wanted to), but the pregnancy turned out to be ectopic - hospital, surgery, tube removal, recovery. But everything continued. Then a trip to his dacha, a beating. I was taken away by his relatives - then it turned out that he did not work anywhere. Separated. When I tried to buy a computer desk for my son, it turned out that he also robbed me. I later returned the money. For 5 years, his periodic appearance in my life continued. He promised, swore, but a week later - "I'm not ready for a new relationship", "I don't need a relationship now" - and he himself had a girlfriend. The result: torment, pain, suffering, another pregnancy (again unsuccessful), resuscitation, the verdict of doctors - to get pregnant for me, and even more so to give birth - like a miracle! Half a year of a quiet life and again - I thought it over, I only need you. I (stupidly) believed. He moved in with me and on the second day (according to the doctors and all the calculations) - I became pregnant. A difficult pregnancy, a minimum of help from a "beloved" person, a daughter was born.
Now my daughter is 4 months old, he left, saying that he always didn’t give a damn about me, I know that I found another one, his mother said “that she will do a DNA test and if this is her granddaughter, she will help.” I have never asked anyone to help me or my children, and now I won’t accept it!
I wanted to love and be loved, I wanted a family, but I got only pain and unwillingness to live! Help, I myself know that I was stupid!, what should I do now? how to look children in the eye What to do? (I don’t even have the strength to howl into the pillow). I can hardly restrain myself from laying hands on myself! Emotions go wild, but I understand with my head that only I need my children (I raised my son alone - this thought was hammered into my head by all relatives and social services.). Like a squirrel in a wheel, but there is no way out!
The psychologist Yagudina Olga Petrovna answers the question.
Dear Elena, good afternoon!
I sympathize with your situation and understand you perfectly. I would recommend seeking professional help from a psychologist. This will help you get out of a crisis situation and gain strength and harmony in your soul.
Everything that can be done by letter, I will try to give you. You should realize that your relationship with your second husband was destructive. You were unhappy in this relationship from the very beginning. However, you forgave him again and again and even wanted a child from him. As I understand it, he did not want a child and a family with you, and even directly stated this. He cheated, beat, threw, and you forgave him. Is that how you understand love and happiness? Relationships should bring joy, warmth and care. If this is not in the relationship, feel free to leave. Now it makes no sense for you to reproach yourself and think about who is to blame. You just didn't know how and didn't know. So it happened, and now they have two children in their arms. This is the best thing that could happen to you in this relationship. Accept the situation as it is. No matter how cruel it sounds, but you need to courageously face the facts and take the situation into your own hands.
To make it easier for you and have strength, I advise the following:
1. Take care of yourself. Do as much fun for yourself as possible. Warm bath, walk, shopping, chatting with friends. Get more rest. This will help you start loving and appreciating yourself. There will be joy in life and a desire to live. Get up every morning with the thought, but what pleasant awaits me today? Even if it's some little thing like coffee or ice cream. It is very important!
2. Ask others for help. Look for support. Do not neglect everything that can make your life easier. Do not think that the upbringing of children lies entirely with you. Unload yourself at least partially.
3.Physical culture and sports. Find time and energy for a few hours a week for physical activity. Walking, swimming, yoga. Choose to your taste.
Let's be honest: rarely any of the couples live to see the golden wedding. The divorce rate in our country is not decreasing, and this sad fact worries people who get married.
We cannot be sure of our man, because in the immediate environment we see a lot of examples in which, for some reason, the family broke up. And if women are ready to keep the family hearth for years, then men abandon the family, despite the presence of joint children and the years spent together. ?
Reasons for the irresponsibility of men
After a breakup initiated by a man, the question always arises: what prompted him to leave the family? The main reason for the irresponsibility of a man lies in his upbringing.
The reasons for the behavior of a man lie in education.
Usually such representatives of the stronger sex are brought up in a complete family, where the parents themselves, without realizing it, spoil the child unnecessarily. They do not give him the concepts of "loneliness", "independence" and he has no idea what it is like to live in a family where there is only one parent. Men from single-parent families almost never leave their children to their wife, as they have acutely absorbed the need to grow up in a family where there is both mom and dad.
The second option is that the man did not have time to grow up when the burden of the family suddenly fell on him. Immature men can leave the family and come to their senses only after a few years. They cannot realize the full measure of responsibility for other people and are not ready to take on the care of two children and a wife at once. Such men are initially weak in spirit, and if over the years they become wiser and stronger, this does not negate the fact that the man’s first family experience failed against the background of his weakness and lack of independence.
What to do, how can I live, abandoned husband with two children?
Before getting married, it will not be superfluous to insure against divorce by drawing up a marriage contract or having studied the family code well. Any woman, even if she is dearly loved by her husband, should have an airbag, which, in which case, will help her not to be left with nothing after a divorce. Children are also protected by the state, although in a meager amount.
This applies to alimony, which must be demanded from the ex-husband, even if their size does not correspond to what is desired. Next, you need to solve the problem with work. If you have a permanent job, then for the duration of the decree, you can find a part-time job on the Internet or look for an opportunity to do something with your own hands for sale. Do not rush to despair and imagine a future without means of subsistence. You will definitely find a way to earn money and provide your children with everything they need.
Take advantage of the benefits for new mothers and try not to lose heart. It might be worth considering going to work and paying for babysitting from your paycheck so you can build a career while the kids are growing up rather than waiting for maternity leave to end.
Is it possible to meet a man?
The first time after the breakup, a woman will not have the opportunity to think about how to improve her personal life. However, through certain period time, the female essence will again require attention and care. Despite the fact that emotional wounds after a divorce heal for a long time, a woman will want to meet men again, get to know them and build relationships. Many people think that children are a hindrance to relationships. In fact, men are no less willing to have affairs with ladies who already have their own small family. These women are more responsible, caring and clearly know what they want.
Adult men, first of all, look at a woman as a life partner, and not just a beautiful doll. They draw conclusions about your life experience and if you have not lost your optimism and femininity, they will gladly share the future with you. Moreover, a man will be sure of your seriousness and that you are family-oriented.
And true love has no barriers in the form of children from a previous marriage. The man who loves you will also love your children. It may be worth looking at divorced men with already existing children, as they already have experience in family life.
Third child - yes or no?
In a new relationship, a woman will face the question of whether to give birth to a third child. A man, especially a childless one, will definitely want his beloved woman to give birth to his first child. He does not understand that it is not so easy to decide on a third child, especially after the previous husband left, leaving the children without a father.
In no case should you follow the lead of a man and immediately have a third child, hoping that the family will become stronger. You need to get to know a man properly, test him in difficult situations, and also legitimize relations with him before you become pregnant. Of course, the main task of a man is to please your children and create a new strong family with you. And only then he can think about his future offspring.
If a man has children from a previous marriage, then you need to weigh the pros and cons of a common child well, because all children should receive an equal amount of attention and proper education.
If you have a question: How can I live, my husband left with two children? - this means that you have a difficult task to solve your problems and the problems of your children on your own. But do not despair, such life situations make us stronger!
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Hello! It seems that just recently you rejoiced at the birth of a child, built joint plans, and suddenly - the husband left you with the children. You are at a loss ... For you, the situation in which the husband leaves with a small child is an absolute wrongness that could not happen to your family.
The husband leaves the family with one or two children - and now the most important thing for you is to return the father to the children. Not a husband in the family - but a father to children. After all, children are the most important thing. Almost all women make this mistake.
But after all, he did not cease to be a father (whether a bad father or a good father, he is still a father). He left you, his status as a husband is changing, so it is important and necessary to focus on this.
First, I’ll tell you what the reason for this common misconception is, and what you need to do if your husband doesn’t need you and your children. What you will learn from me will help you rebuild your family if your husband left you with your children. Read it.
Why do men leave children?
Men leave their pregnant wives, leave their wives immediately after giving birth, the husband leaves the family with two children. The most striking examples that are heard: Arshavin, who left his wife with three children; actor Evgeny Tsyganov left his wife with seven children! And this list can be continued without end and edge. Why it happens?
People are divided into men and women not only by external signs. Each group has a clearly defined pattern of behavior.
You have heard more than once, and perhaps you yourself have said to your son: “Men don’t cry,” or to your daughter: “Girls don’t behave like that.” Moreover, the smallest crumb understands what it is about.
There is an external identification, and there is an internal sense of self:
- Family: you are a woman, you are a daughter, you are a wife, you are a mother.
- Social: you are a teacher, you are an economist.
- National.
- Territorial.
- religious
etc.
Lots of points. We will not list everything. In this case, it matters that one social roles more important to us than others. And here we finally come to the main idea.
For a woman, an important inner role is “I am a mother”. It doesn't mean that she doesn't want to be beautiful woman, does not want love or does not plan to build a career. This means that she can sacrifice all the rest of her manifestations of her "I", if necessary for the sake of children.
For a man, an important internal role is “I am a man”. This does not mean that he does not love his children or does not want a happy family. This means that he can sacrifice all the rest of his manifestations of his "I", if necessary, to preserve the feeling of being a man in the first place.
And now, very simple mathematics - as soon as a woman begins to treat her husband, basically, as the father of her children, and not as a beloved and, most importantly, desired man, a siren begins to sound inside him, warning of danger.
As a result, we see the following picture: the husband left you with the children and left, and you ...
- Wanting to establish contact with the husband who left you with the children, remind him of his fatherly duties: the children need to buy something, they need to be taken there, they do not feel well. You know that he will react exactly to this. You think that his love for children will smooth it out. If not, then move on to the next paragraph.
- Reproach him that he abandoned his children, that he bad father that he left you - and not from the children, that no one removed the responsibility for their upbringing from him. You focus on his cruelty and heartlessness, etc.
- And the most extreme option is to forbid your husband to meet with the children: “If you don’t want to see me, you won’t see them either!” It hurts you and you hurt both your husband and children - for whom parents are equally important.
These are all strategically incorrect behaviors that only make the situation worse.
What to do if the husband left with the children
Let's first define your end goal. Do you just want a man with you, even if he is unhappy next to you? Or to have a strong family and a loving spouse again?
The answer is obvious only at first glance, as voluntarily or involuntarily, women continue to manipulate children, trying to restore the family.
Yes, there is a chance that a spouse may succumb to pressure and stay with you, sacrificing their emotions for the sake of children. Only it will not be a family - although it may last your whole life. He will love children and endure you because of them. And the saddest thing is that you will feel and know it every day.
The second option is that your reproaches will only cause aggression or complete disregard. The husband will generally stop any contact with you.
He himself knows what he is. He himself knows that this is bad. Your husband, making the decision to leave you with a small child, is already internally ready for these accusations. Therefore, these reproaches are off target. You can remind him as much as you like that the most important thing is children, but this will only alienate you from each other.
Actually, he went into all serious trouble - walks, cheats, leaves precisely because his "I - Man" overpowered his "I - Father" in him.
Do you understand?
It is very important. This is the key to how to get your husband back, the key to understanding what exactly he lacks.
Howright to return the husband to the family?
If the husbandabandoned you and your childrenit can be returned! After all, in fact, a man loves his children, he wants a family, he wants comfort. But at the same time, the realization that now he is on the sidelines in the life of his woman is extremely difficult for him to perceive. And the man simply runs away from the family, instead of finding out the reasons and finding a way out.
To youWe urgently need to take matters into our own hands.
Why is it important to hurry? Most often, a man leaves a family with children for his mistress. Only a woman can give him the feeling that he is valuable in himself, that he is the main thing in someone's life. That he can still evoke emotions, desires, feel that his whole life - until the end of his days, does not consist of only one: “You must this”, “You must this”. Do you understand?
It speaks and acts "I am a Man". Now, due to various circumstances, you have “lost” a man in him, and therefore your husband is looking for a sense of the need for these qualities on the side.
As he believes, another woman understands, desires and appreciates him. Another, not you. And children can visit on weekends. After all, half the country lives like this.
And that is why we will not return the father to the children - but the beloved man to you. First you are a wife - building relationships with her husband, and only then you are a mother. As a result, you have a strong family, loving husband and you are sure that he is happy with you!
Understanding the reasons is only half the battle, it is especially important for you not to succumb to emotional attacks. It is difficult to stay alone with children from any side: moral, material - that's just where to get the strength and start acting. It is so?
On this page you see a video clip "How to get your husband back." Hear it!
I recorded step by step instructions what and how fromdo so that you can restore relations with her husband and returnfather to children.
This technique works!
Even if he already lives with another.
Even if you are already divorced.
I remind you once again - you are now returning your beloved man to the family. Let him feel it.
Now gather your attention and listen to this lesson!
With faith in you, Maria Kalinina.
Women by nature are so arranged that they carry their experiences to the external environment. It is important for them to throw out their grief, their troubles. Therefore, the most popular discussions on women's Internet forums are about divorces and separations. Often women complain that their husband left with a child, and ask for advice on how they can continue to live. "Girlfriends" on the forums give a variety of advice - from smashing windows in the house of an ex-husband to crawling after him on his knees. Each believes that her method is the most effective, that if the husband does not return, then at least the wife will have a feeling of satisfaction and revenge for the insult.
Why do men leave families and leave children?
The reasons for the departure of husbands from families where joint children have already been born are, in fact, not on the surface, which we used to call everyday life. The reasons are much deeper - in the social structure and society's attitude to fatherhood.
The right to fatherhood is formally enshrined in the Russian constitution, the constitutions of other developed and developing countries. The rights of parents are considered equal. But is it really so?
A woman can give birth to a child from any man she likes. Even if a man takes all measures to prevent pregnancy in his sexual partner, a woman has many ways to get around a man's reluctance to become a father. A woman gives birth to a child that a man may not even suspect, establish paternity in court and demand alimony from a man for the maintenance of an unwanted child. At the same time, our society is set up in such a way that if a man does not marry a woman who has given birth to a child from him, he is condemned. No one is interested in the fact that at the moment of intimacy a woman was interested in a man only as a sexual object, and not as a future partner for life together and not as a mother of future children.
A woman may not give birth to a child from her man by terminating the pregnancy. In this case, only her opinion and desire are taken into account. The desire of a man to become the father of an unborn child does not interest either the pregnant woman who decides to have an abortion, or the doctor performing the operation. The rights of an unborn child and the rights of a failed father are not protected by law and morality and are not mentioned at all. It turns out that the birth of children is an exclusively female matter, but the responsibility for the decision of a woman to give birth falls on a man.
Women have long used children as a "leash" for men. Someone once suggested that a child can “tie” a man, but no one has yet been able to logically explain this. Yes, and not such an explanation, because it is impossible to “tie” an adult independent man with anything. He is kept next to a woman solely by his own desire.
The disdainful attitude of the wife, mother, mother-in-law and other relatives towards the father's attempts to take care of the baby turns him away from offspring for a long time. In fact, if all the time they formally “hit their hands”, point out minor mistakes and shortcomings, criticize every action, then soon the young dad will lose all desire to somehow participate in the life of the baby - he still won’t do well, but critics receive a year in advance.
That is why the father-child relationship in our society is so precarious and unstable. We got rid of the vicious patriarchal model with the ability to dispose of the child as property, but did not offer a replacement. Women raise their sons in such a way that they grow up weak-willed and infantile, they cannot first control their desires, and then they do not want to be responsible for their actions. Daughters, on the other hand, are brought up either as princesses, to whom everyone owes for the fact that they decorate the life of a man with their presence and give birth to children, or as feminists opposed to nepotism and men, who try to solve all problems on their own, including raising children on their own, excluding the participation of a man.
What to do if the husband left not only his wife, but also the child?
First of all, you do not need to take revenge and try to ruin your husband's life. You will probably have to live with him later, why then unnecessary conflicts? Surely, after the news of his departure, you want to cry? Well, to health. Women's tears cleanse the soul and soothe nervous system, unless, of course, they go into hysterics.
After spiritual cleansing with tears, you need to stop dying and falling apart. The departure of a husband from the family is a nuisance. But not grief. Therefore, there is no need to grieve. Here's what's really worth doing:
- Calm down. If necessary, then with the help of herbal teas, yoga, light sedatives after consulting a doctor. Without a normal mental attitude, it is impossible to think constructively and act correctly.
- Don't forget about the child. It is no easier for him now than for an abandoned mother, even if he is still too small. A child needs a calm, balanced, kind mother, and not a tearful, nervous and twitchy aunt with an extinct look and shaking hands. The best way get distracted - spend time with the baby, bake a pie together, make dumplings, ride a carousel or go on a picnic.
- Do not turn the child against the father. Never - even if the husband is a hundred thousand times wrong - to tell children about the love affairs of their father, about his losses in cards and casinos, about his drunken antics, if the children did not become witnesses to it. Father and mother are the support for any person, even in adulthood. If you look at the published materials of psychologists who work with adults who are in a depressed state, it will become clear that unflattering news about parents unsettled 30-40-year-old people from the rut, caused a feeling of disappointment, bitterness, contributed to the formation of complexes and a decrease in self-esteem. What then to say about small children with a fragile psyche, who believe in fairy tales and that dad is the smartest and strongest, and mom is the most beautiful and kind.
- Try to reconnect with your husband. Well, or at least establish a relationship with him about a common child. All children were once promised to go to the zoo, to the circus, to ride a boat, to go to the forest for a picnic. It's time to remember the promise and fulfill it together with your husband. If he is stubborn and does not want to date ex-wife, then it is worth giving him a child and offering to spend time together. After a great day spent with the children, a loving father will probably have a doubt, but did he do the right thing, leave the family and his children?
- Give your husband children at least for the weekend. This will allow him to remember that no one has canceled his father's rights and obligations, and nothing has changed in this regard.
Women after the departure of her husband most often face financial difficulties. If the child is breastfeeding, then it is impossible to go to work with him. Working at home is also extremely difficult, since the baby takes up all the time of the mother, and if he is not the only child in the family, then the woman often does not have time even for a leisurely meal or cosmetic home treatments. If this is the situation, do not be shy to contact your husband for help. In the end, a child under 18 years old, and a mother - until the baby reaches three years old, according to family law, have the right to receive maintenance from the father and spouse. If he does not voluntarily fulfill this duty, then the court will force him to do so.
Should I bring my husband back?
Our society believes that a child needs a father, but rarely takes into account whether a particular child needs such a father who packed his things, slammed the door and left his wife and child, or even kicked them out of their homes.
You don’t even need to try to get your husband back if he:
- Abuses alcohol or takes narcotic, toxic, psychotropic and similar substances;
- Plays games of chance;
- Raised a hand on his wife and/or is abusive to a child;
- He regularly cheats on his wife and does not consider it necessary to hide it;
- Not working and not going to work;
- Commits criminal acts against anyone.
