Divorce for most people is a life catastrophe. The party that was confronted with the fact of the impossibility of living in marriage suffers the most. The initiator of the divorce is also experiencing a lot of stress about this, although his own decision does not come as a surprise to him. And if a divorce at the age of 20 causes superficial emotions: resentment, annoyance, - a divorce after 40 years, especially after long marriage sometimes leads to severe depression.
Reasons for divorce after 40 years
Very rarely, forty-year-old people get divorced because of deceived expectations, a difference in characters, a mismatch of temperaments. This reason is more inherent in divorces among 20-30-year-old people, who are still distinguished by categorical judgments, maximalism and hasty decisions.
By the age of forty, those entering into marriage are well aware that there are no ideal relationships, they do not make excessive demands on each other and are able to put up with the shortcomings of others.
As for 40-year-old spouses with experience, they all the more know what to expect from the second half, how to respond to various life situations and know how to extinguish emerging conflicts. Such spouses are connected not only by feelings and forces of habit, but also by children, accumulated property, family business. It is difficult for them to imagine their life without each other.
But even among such couples, divorces happen.
The most common reasons are:
- Marital infidelity. Most often, adultery is committed by a man. After all, the wife is no longer as beautiful as in her younger years, and it is so easy to be seduced by a young beauty. Moreover, young girls are drawn to older men: they know how to care, they have money, status, it’s interesting with them, they give gifts and take them to expensive restaurants, unlike their peers with a scholarship, and so on. A man, in most cases, buys into the delight in the eyes of a girl and cheats with them.
Sometimes it happens that a man has a mistress with whom he is in a long relationship, she had children from him, and divorce is a matter of time. Usually, men wait until their children grow up in a legal marriage, so as not to hurt them so much by breaking up with their mother. But this option is not so common.
A woman is also able to cheat on her husband, this is far from uncommon. Usually female infidelity is not episodic, but develops into a strong relationship. And the woman ends her marriage in order to continue and develop a new relationship with another man.
It happens that a woman decides to cheat in order to feel young, beautiful, desirable and attractive again. This usually happens to those women whose husbands do not pay attention to them and ignore the intimate side of the relationship.
- Lack of feelings and common interests. It happens that there were no true deep feelings between the spouses, they are not interested in each other, there is nothing to talk about and they live together, but as if separately. In most such cases, they wait until the children grow up and dissolve the marriage. Divorce means as little to such people as marriage.
- money and housing. These factors play a role in two ways: either the marriage is terminated due to their absence, quarrels due to lack of money have already eaten away both nerves; or one of the spouses considered marriage as an opportunity to gain benefits, build a career, and having achieved what he wanted, he stopped needing the help of the second spouse.
- Job. There are several options here. Someone disappears at work or builds a business around the clock, and someone is left alone in difficult times, weekends and holidays, he brings up children and solves all problems. In such a marriage there are no partners - there is a breadwinner and there are all the other people who are of little interest to the breadwinner.
- Aging. Everyone gets old, but not everyone is ready for it. Women are more loyal to gray hair, fullness and illness of their husbands, although there are exceptions. Men tend to notice a new gray hair or wrinkle on their wife's face, and because they "love with their eyes," because of the emphasis on the shortcomings of appearance, men do not feel desire for a wife. This can lead to infidelity or loss of sexual interest in general.
- Alcohol or drug addiction. These reasons destroy families at any age and are the reasons for the dissolution of marriages. Most often, men are prone to alcohol and drug use. Fortunately, women are less and less trying to save their marriage with a husband addicted to an intoxicating substance, arguing that children need a father, a husband will disappear without her and she will be able to cure him and direct him to the right way. All these arguments are false and spoil the life of not only the wife, but also the joint children and all the people involved in the relationship of this family.
Woman after divorce at 40
A woman suffers more after a divorce. If she is the initiator, she is called the destroyer of the family. If the initiator is the husband or the reason - his betrayal or alcoholism - she is accused of not being able to keep him. Society generally likes to blame women for family troubles.
The woman needs to fix new life, which, according to the heroine of the famous film, "is just beginning in time."
It is worth analyzing the reason for the divorce and getting rid of it.
Who better women knows her own shortcomings. A smart woman will either turn them into virtues or get rid of them.
You can change the weight - lose weight or gain a couple of kilograms - depending on what you need to improve your appearance. Getting a new haircut, changing the shape of your eyebrows, or getting your nails done is not that expensive, but it really improves your mood and raises your self-esteem.
If possible, it is worth changing jobs, where no one will know and talk about the divorce, where a divorced woman will turn into a free and open woman for dating.
But you can’t rush headlong into a new relationship with the first person you meet, in the first months of the divorce field, a woman is not very capable of objective analysis and evaluation and runs the risk of experiencing disappointment again.
In order to occupy your thoughts in your free time and not get hung up on thoughts of divorce, it would be nice to start renovating your house, find a hobby for yourself - plant flowers or weave lace - it doesn’t matter, go on a trip or start writing a book or lead blog on the Internet, learn a foreign language, or finally go in for sports.
Man after divorce at 40
A man often experiences disappointment in new relationships after marriage. He is embarrassed in front of his wife, even when she is already an ex. Another woman may not be ready for permanence, for the fact that her man will meet children from a previous marriage and he will spend money on them. Therefore, there is no need to rush to legitimize a new relationship.
Chase ex-wife not worth it, but trying to establish normal healthy relationships is worth at least for the well-being of children.
Playing sports, a new hobby, a change of activity will help you get out of stress as painlessly as possible. It is important to monitor your appearance and health, control blood pressure and blood sugar levels, since it is men who most often become patients in the cardiology department.
A free man has more free time than a married man, and it can be used with benefit for self-development, getting additional education, study of foreign language or starting a business.
Divorce should not be seen as the end of a lifetime. We need to build a new life.
How to start a new life after a divorce at 40?
New life is formed by new habits. Since by the age of 40 health can be spoiled by “excess youth”, chronic diseases, stress, it is better that the habits are good.
Without in the morning perfectly tones and prevents diseases of the heart, blood vessels, muscles and joints.
A new hobby expands the interests and occupies the brain, crowding out bad thoughts.
Traveling gives you a great boost of positive energy and dispels the residue after a divorce.
We must not forget about the children. They are not to blame for anything and suffer, perhaps more than their parents.
It is unacceptable to manipulate them, prevent them from seeing the other parent, tell them what a scoundrel their father turned out to be and what a bitch their mother was.
It is important to maintain a relationship with your parents and, if possible, with the parents of your ex-spouse. They worry about their children no less than the divorced themselves - about their children.
If possible, you can organize a joint vacation with grandparents and grandchildren. This will help everyone get a little used to the idea that the former couple is now separated.
How to ruin your life after a divorce?
- Constantly think about divorce, about the former spouse, conduct mental dialogues with him;
- To vent evil and annoyance on children; forbid the ex-spouse to see the children; turn them against him;
- Go headlong into work and bring yourself to nervous exhaustion with a load increased by post-divorce stress.
- Get involved in alcohol. It does not solve the problem, but causes emotional dullness and addiction. Passion for alcohol can destroy not only the family, but life in general, deprive of work, children, friends.
- Run yourself, do not follow the appearance and hygiene of the body. This is fraught not only with a break in social ties, but also with loss of health.
Valeria Protasova
Reading time: 11 minutes
A A
We all subconsciously fear loneliness. But one of the hardest moments in a woman's life is a divorce after years of marriage. Especially if the woman is already over 40. The collapse of marriage, the collapse of hopes, and it seems that there is only darkness ahead.
But in fact, life is just beginning!
The main reasons for divorces after 40 years - is the crisis to blame, or something else?
There is no point in considering the banal reason “they didn’t agree on the characters”. People cannot “get along in character” after having been married for more than a dozen years. And even if they lived for 3-5 years, it also makes no sense to consider, because we are not talking about teenagers, but about adults who perfectly understand who they create a family with.
So, what are the reasons for the divorce of people who have crossed the 40-year threshold?
- Gray hair in a beard. One of the most "popular" reasons. Moreover, in this case, the man most often becomes the initiator of the separation. A woman at this age is too tightly attached to the family and understands too well that she is no longer as attractive as she was 20 years ago. "Young pretty face" broke more than one family, alas.
- The kids have grown up and nothing is left in common. So, love is long gone. And there was only the expectation of the moment when the kids get on their feet, and the conscience for the divorce will not torment.
- Lost contact with each other. They became uninteresting to each other. No love, no passion, no attraction, nothing to even talk about. Or one went far ahead in self-development (and in everything else), while the second remained on the same step. The conflict of worldviews is inevitable.
- Career. They just forgot that they are family. Climbing the ladder and outside interests had taken so much that there was nothing left for the two of them. Joint interests are a thing of the past.
- Life and fatigue from each other. Few people manage to keep this deck of a family boat in its original form. Gray weekdays usually overwhelm you, and instead of “darling, what do you cook for breakfast” and “darling, grab your favorite cakes on the way from work?” come “let me read in peace, I’m tired” and “call a plumber, I don’t care about leaky taps.” Little by little, love begins to choke in these gray everyday life and one day it sinks to the bottom completely.
- Finance. This reason may manifest itself in different ways. 1 - he does not like to overwork, and she "plows in 3 shifts." 2 - he earns enough, but treats her like a kept woman. 3 - she earns more than him, and male pride is wounded and crushed. And so on. The result is the same everywhere: scandals, misunderstanding, divorce.
- They have changed. He became too heavy to lift, rude, quick-tempered, always tired and irritable, in old slippers and stretched tights. Or she is always tired and irritated, with a "migraine" in the evenings, with cucumbers on her face and in an old dressing gown. Those two who wanted to please each other every minute are no more. And if they are not, then love - too.
- Alcohol. Alas, this is also not uncommon. More often - from the side of the man. Tired of fighting, the woman simply files for divorce.
There may be more reasons than we have listed. But the most important remains one: two stop listening to each other, understand and trust.
The life of a woman 40 years after a divorce - sketches from nature
Of course, a divorce after 40 years is extremely painful if the couple has lived together for many eventful years.
Women always take this blow as personal betrayal .
There are not so many scenarios for such breakups:
- He finds a young replacement for his "old" wife and creates a new family. The "old" wife falls into depression, withdraws into herself, moves away from everyone and locks herself in her "cell" to roar into the pillow.
- He's leaving. She calmly lets him go , silently putting the suitcase on the stairs, and, after grieving for a couple of minutes, goes headlong into self-love - now there is definitely time for yourself and your dreams.
- He's leaving. She comes to the conclusion that she is already old and useless. Inferiority complexes begin not just to “suck in the stomach”, but to beat the drums. The collapse of hopes flows like burning tears without interruption. Definitely not without support.
- He's leaving. She, accustomed to life on the maintenance of her husband, remains with nothing – without a job, a livelihood and even a chance to get an adequate salary. These cases are considered the most difficult, because an abandoned woman is half the trouble, and an abandoned woman without a job is already a serious problem. If the wife is not used to working, then it will be much more difficult to join an independent life.
How to survive a divorce less painfully for a woman over 40 - we gain calmness and self-confidence
In order to reduce the intensity of passions and find more or less solid ground under your feet, first of all, you should remember the main "taboos".
So, what absolutely can not be done?
- Try to keep him. It is unlikely that he is flirting with you (men at this age do not sin with such “checks”), so do not try to cry, beg to stay, exchange his disposition for the promise “everything is for you, just stay”, etc. Remember your pride and dignity! Let him go. Let him leave.
- Fall into nostalgia. Stop sorting through photos, shed tears for happy moments from the past, wait for his steps on the stairs and calls on the phone. It's all over, and waiting is meaningless - they only aggravate your condition.
- Fill grief with alcohol or pills.
- . This includes both daring plans like “tearing out the braids of this young infection” or “I’ll sue everything from the reptile, I’ll leave it without pants”, as well as gossip and other nasty things that former woman about her husband. Both are unworthy of a wise woman (no matter how offended and offended she may be). Do not stoop to such actions in any case - it will reflect negatively on you.
- Wait for his return. Don't rely on it. Even the smallest chance of his return should not be left. You will only exhaust yourself with meaningless expectations. It is extremely rare for men to return to the family after a break at this age.
- Put your hands down and go with the flow. You are not a cat that the owner threw out into the street. And not a suitcase without a handle. You are an adult, beautiful, self-sufficient woman who can do anything! And that's it! Other options are not discussed.
- Revel in self-pity. And let others feel sorry for you. Of course, you can cry for a day or two, smear mascara on your cheeks, throw his gifts against the wall, shred photos together out of anger, etc. But nothing more! You have a new life full of new joys and impressions!
- Go headlong into work and devote yourself entirely to your grandchildren and children. You are not 100 years old, and it is too early to give up on yourself. Very soon you will realize that 40 years is the very beginning of a new, fantastically interesting and generous life.
- Look for a replacement husband. This is not the case when "wedge by wedge ...". Nothing good awaits you if you go into all serious trouble - only disappointment. Do not look for anyone, take care of yourself and your unfulfilled dreams. And your half (namely half!) - she will find you herself.
- To fall to your children like snow on their heads. Yes, they worry about you and sympathize with you very much, but this does not mean that you urgently need to bring down an avalanche of your attention and care on already adult children who simply do not need so much of your attention.
- Panic over
Yes, at first it will be unusual to sleep, eat, watch a movie alone, come home to an empty house, cook for yourself and not rush from work. But very soon you will find in this situation and a lot of pluses!
How to live in 40 years after a divorce - learn to be happy and successful!
Well, who told you that after forty there is no life, no happiness, and nothing at all? You have not been abandoned - you have been released! And the reason, most likely, is far from you.
After 40-45 years, men are overtaken by a period that many call the “midlife crisis”. It comes and goes differently for everyone, depending on true reasons appearance. Frequent mood swings, depression, anxiety about appearance, change of life orientations, search new love and sex on the side - this and much more happens to a person at this turning point in life.
If you do not understand the reasons and let everything take its course, then often the stages of a midlife crisis end in sad events. Having understood himself, a man is able to endure this period easily, and having made certain conclusions, you can change your life for the better, open up new horizons. Let's try to understand the problems that are characteristic of the crisis stage and avoid possible unpleasant consequences.
Causes of the crisis
The age at which the stage of change may occur varies greatly. For some, it begins at 40-46 years old or earlier. And someone even after 50 years will say that he is happy, and he did not have any crisis.
In fact, character and life experience acquired over the years play a big role in this. A person who has experienced many ups and downs, who has experienced many difficulties, both in work and in his personal life, is more resilient and prepared for difficulties. It will be easier for him to cope with the difficult tasks that life presents after 40. Otherwise, it will be more difficult for a man to survive these years and learn a useful lesson for himself.
Changes are taking place in different areas human life:
- Love affairs and sex.
- work and social relationships.
- Health.
- appearance and attractiveness.
- Self-criticism.
Shortening of sex life
This factor is very upsetting for the representatives of the stronger sex. They think that in the eyes of their wife they have become unnecessary and helpless, as a result of which they close themselves from problems, which provokes depression and lack of sex. Others begin to look for the cause of their sexual defeats in their spouse, thinking that she began to pay less attention to him, look with different eyes, ceased to be affectionate and gentle.
At this moment, the search for female attention on the side begins. The love exploits of a similar plan for men of no longer a young age end in infection venereal disease physical fatigue and psychological trauma. There are cases in the end of which a heart attack and a stroke are possible, since at the age of 45-50 it is very dangerous to use dietary supplements to increase potency and increased physical activity is not recommended.
In most cases, wives who find out about such behavior of their spouses do not stand it and file for divorce.
A man can also decide to dissolve a marriage, thinking that with a young wife he will gain his former sexual strength, a large number of love, affection and reach new heights. But often this is all an illusion.
Young girls become wives of much older men for financial gain.
Basically, a middle-aged person has enough material support and can quite arrange a life for the new wife in abundance. However, such a marriage will not last long and will end not only in divorce, but also in the division of property.
To avoid such consequences, men are advised to pay attention to their wife or a woman of equal age (if he is single or divorced). They can be united by common interests, mutual understanding, life experience - all this contributes to a calm and harmonious relationship. And it is also recommended to try something new in sex with a partner, it always brings together and gives a new breath to relationships.
Work and social relationships
Men prefer to think that their work will not go away from them, and you can work at least up to 80 years. But it's not. Often they begin to experience pressure from the team, tensions arise with superiors, and harassment by young employees. A person begins to think that they want to remove him from his post, reproach him, interfere in affairs.
All these are his phobias - he is afraid to seem unworthy of the position, inexperienced, afraid of the reproaches of his superiors. As a result, he loses the support of management and colleagues.
It is recommended to behave calmly, not to show your fears, not to give out doubts about certain decisions - then both the employees and the management will not see and feel the man's insecurity about his own relevance in his work.
Attention! Do not think that with age, experience and skills in work lose their value. Quite the opposite: if a man has achieved some success in his career, then his professionalism will not lose its relevance due to the appearance of the middle.
Health
A man lives a sufficient period of life, acquires a family and experience, reaches a certain stage career ladder achieves financial prosperity. It seems that all the goals that he pursued from his youth have already been achieved. Children grow up, leave to study or start their own family, the wife is no longer so attractive, and health begins to fail.
Most are puzzled by the question: what to do, and what goals to pursue in the remaining period of life?
No one knows how long the midlife crisis will last, and it goes differently for everyone. Some can deal with them in a year, others move on to the next stage of the life cycle for years.
There are several factors involved in overcoming a difficult period:
- family atmosphere.
- Strength of character.
- Financial security.
- The social status of a man.
One of the manifestations of the crisis of 45 years is a sharp desire for healthy lifestyle life. People who have been smoking and drinking alcohol on holidays for many years suddenly begin to worry about their health and give up bad habits. They also tend to work hard in the gym.
A healthy lifestyle is good. But you need to know that a person who in his life devoted little time to physical exercises, and then abruptly began to test his body for strength by exercising in the gym, running or other sports, runs the risk of worsening his health quite strongly.
Male representatives should understand that at the age of 40, the heart and other organs are no longer the same as in youth, therefore, sudden physical activity or food restrictions, in order to lose weight, can cause an irreparable blow to the body. As a result, there is a risk of being in a hospital room with a long list medicines in hand.
Trying to return the relief torso, men refuse to eat harmful and high-calorie foods, which, in general, has a positive effect on the state of the body. But in pursuit of a beautiful body, some representatives of the stronger sex are fond of raw food and vegetarianism, and this can have an extremely negative impact on health. After all, with a normal diet, the body receives the right dose of trace elements from the usual products.
Important! A man in adulthood, if he decides to radically change his physical form, requires a mandatory consultation with a doctor.
Appearance and attractiveness
Being at the stage of a midlife crisis, a man at 45 is not averse to experimenting with his appearance. Representatives of the stronger sex realize that they are losing their former attractiveness, they want to change appearance, hairstyle, clothes to appear more modern and younger.
Such behavior of an adult man causes only laughter in many others. There are no prohibitions on changing the image, but this issue should be approached carefully, with the understanding that a man is no longer 25 years old, and tight jeans with holes at the knees will look just stupid on him.
self-criticism
The male half of society often exposes itself to self-criticism, comparing the successes in their lives with the achievements of other men. It happens when a person builds a good career, creates a large friendly family, buys an apartment and a car, remains dissatisfied with himself, knowing that his colleague or neighbor is more successful.
The older the age, the more acute this problem is felt. People begin to envy successful peers, become irritable and have poor control over emotions, regret that they missed the opportunity to achieve greater success. The understanding comes that it is already impossible to start something anew, and this brings the crisis into an even deeper state.
Tips for overcoming a midlife crisis in men over 45
It is possible to overcome a turning point in life without unpleasant consequences. First of all, a man must be patient and realize the fact that it will no longer be possible to live as before. But this does not mean that ahead is a dull boring existence - it all depends on the desire of the person himself.
If you correctly define your goals, then you can live the second half of your life even brighter than youth. In addition, relatives should become the main assistants in difficult times: loving wife and adult children. They should support the head of the family and treat with understanding his changes in mood and behavior. When harmony, mutual understanding and support reign in the family, any crisis period will pass without negative events.
A few more tips:
- It is required to remember that you should not think about the past, since it is impossible to change it. You need to concentrate on real, today's dreams, problems, opportunities, goals. To develop some steps towards a better future, not paying attention and not equaling the lives of strangers.
- At 40, life is just beginning. There are at least as many more years of life ahead, which should be filled with joy, success, gaining experience. There are many examples of men who have overcome the milestone of 45 years, turning their lives around 180 degrees and starting everything from scratch. The main advantage of this age is that a person has already acquired certain experience and accumulated knowledge to achieve more mature and meaningful goals in his life.
- During the midlife crisis, due to physiological changes, a man loses his sexual power. This strikes at the feeling of manhood, but you should not increase your self-esteem at the expense of sex on the side. It is recommended to pay attention to your wife, because she, too, may be experiencing a similar crisis at this moment. And she also needs support. Knowing each other best, together it is possible to overcome any difficulties.
Important to remember! Even an accidental betrayal will not give a sense of former attractiveness and popularity with the opposite sex, but it can destroy family happiness that has been built over the years.
- Do not neglect communication with your spouse and adult children. They will treat with understanding all the problems and experiences of the head of the family. The family for every man is a reliable support and support in overcoming even the most difficult situations.
- Being in adulthood, it is recommended to pay attention to healthy eating and sports (without heavy loads). Since the body after 40 years old loses its stamina before deciding to exercise exercise you need to consult a specialist. Large loads on the body can not only not improve health, but also cause irreparable harm. In pursuit of youth, you need to be careful.
Output
Like all difficult periods, the period of the midlife crisis will also pass. And a new stage in life will come.
A man after forty-five years will change in character. He will become wiser, more confident in himself, and a sense of responsibility will increase. More reverent will be the attitude towards the people who were nearby and supported him during this difficult time for him.
When a mature age comes, and it is already possible to draw some conclusions, many people have a desire to change their lives. The children have grown up, a career has been made, and in the soul the desire for achievements has been replaced by an incomprehensible emptiness. Many seek to fill this space with new hobbies; as a result, old ties collapse and families break up. How to overcome this crisis and enter a new life, find goals and aspirations again?
Why do people get divorced after 40?
According to statistics, divorces after 40 years are most often initiated by men. At this age, the strong half has a fear of old age and a desire to prolong youth. There is still strength, and it seems that the young partner will help to “throw off” a dozen years. This is how adultery and rejection of existing relationships happen.
There is no need to invest all our efforts and thoughts in the development of children who are already on the threshold of maturity and are ready for an independent life. Often there are domestic quarrels, the financial situation changes. A woman, who by this time can already fully return to work and succeed, begins to earn more than her husband, and this also brings discord in the relationship.
Women who have reached the age of 40 are more conservative and do not seek to change their lifestyle. However, if the husband's infidelity is obvious, and there are other reasons for claims, they break up without regrets, leaving with them invaluable experience, vitality and a lot of time for themselves. Many at this age are capable of a big breakthrough in their careers.
After 40, people rarely get divorced due to a mismatch of characters or unexpected love. However, systematic betrayal is guaranteed to cause the breakup of the family. In many marriages where the husband earned and the wife took care of the children, the result is different level development, desires, hobbies. If the children have already grown up, you can safely leave due to the lack of common interests.
Many divorces happen for financial reasons. If one of the spouses earns, and the other does not, then the reason for parting is the desire to get rid of the dependent. If the wife hoped that her husband would bring money to the family, and his earnings are small, then she can take the last chance to find a wealthier partner.
Alcoholism is an unconditional reason for divorce, as domestic violence and addiction. However, such families often break up long before the spouses reach the age of 40-45.
Life after separation and possible difficulties
After parting, the first task is to correctly divide life into “before” and “after”. It is impossible to completely eliminate old ties, you will have to re-establish relationships with children, friends who knew you as a couple, possibly relatives of the other side, if you used to actively communicate with them.
It is important to maintain a balance and not drag old problems into a new life. Women need to come to terms with the fact of the destruction of the family and not have illusions about the restoration of relations. You will probably have to communicate with your ex-husband, but within a limited framework.
Communication with children after a divorce becomes a territory " thin ice". No matter how hard parents try to protect them, divorce becomes the collapse of the usual existence for all family members. It is important to create an atmosphere in which children can communicate with both mother and father, and not bear their mutual dislike.
It is unacceptable to use children as a tool of pressure on a former partner. Do not denigrate in their eyes ex-husband or wife, even if there was a betrayal. Often women consider the departure of their husband as a betrayal and involve their children in their “war” with their spouse. In the same way, condemnation from the side of the husband towards the wife is unacceptable, even if she left for another man. This is extremely harmful for the future of children and reflects badly on their prospects for creating a happy and stable family.
Women after a divorce often become depressed, experience neurosis and revel in resentment. Public opinion often not on the side of a divorced woman. If the situation worsens, do not neglect the appeal to a psychologist.
Pros and cons of divorce after 40
Divorce at 40 has both positives and negatives. Women experience this situation most painfully, but men are not alien to such unrest.
The main plus is the opportunity to start life from scratch, having knowledge, experience, certain career achievements and some material well-being. At 40, a modern person is full of energy, active and capable of many things, including building new long-term relationships.
Many people decide to "live for themselves" after a divorce. There are both pros and cons to this approach. On the one hand, it's time to take health seriously, there is time for self-development or the return of old hobbies. For many, a hobby can become a business that generates income and a sense of self-satisfaction.
The disadvantages of this approach are permissiveness and the absence of reasonable restrictions. You can eat a lot and not take care of yourself, get fat or get carried away with alcohol. You can sink into self-pity and regret about missed opportunities. Many at such a moment are in danger of becoming addicted to alcohol, drinking which seems like an easy way to relieve tension, but significantly reduces the chances of surviving after a relationship crisis.
Pros of Divorce:
- opportunity to upgrade;
- time for yourself, your health and development;
- a chance to build new, more positive relationships.
Cons of divorce:
- destruction of the established way of life;
- the need to share acquired property;
- moral and emotional trauma;
- the need to start all over again at a respectable age and without a serious material base (as a rule, one of the parties suffers financial losses after a divorce).
Tips for men and women on how to become happy after a divorce at 40
Much of the advice from crisis relationship experts is directed at women. Modern psychology tries to protect them from depression and devastation. Men are more likely to expect warnings - not to succumb to euphoria, monitor their health, do not forget about children and their own parents.
After a breakup, there is a lot to start over. Good advice survive without loss of a difficult period - the creation of new habits. Pay attention to your health, include physical activity in your daily tasks, switch to a healthy diet, find new friends.
Hobbies, new or old, will help create a new social circle where there is no room for past life. If you are prone to travel, indulge in new experiences, discover interesting countries. Do not forget about children - even in adulthood, they continue to need parental attention and support.
However, having felt a sense of freedom and flight after a divorce, it is important not to forget about your own elderly parents and provide them with attention and support. They experience the divorce of children in the same way, even if they are over 40, and life has long been established. After a divorce, free time appears - devote it to joint rest and walks with children and their grandparents.
Problems with husbands sometimes arise on empty place. It seemed like there was a normal family, they lived on the knurled, without quarrels: home, work, children ... And then you got up and left. Why? [discussion]
Photo: EAST NEWS
Change text size: A A
This question torments many abandoned wives. Men explain everything by routine. But it sounds somehow unconvincing. But there is one regularity - the age of prodigal husbands. Most often, they part with their families and start a new one around 30, around 40 - 45 and 50 years.
Psychologist and sexologist Inna Chori claims that these are critical years for men. In these three ages, some of them develop a strong desire for change. But if your husband is dear to you, you can prevent leaving, the psychologist is sure.
28 - 32 years old
Stop liking skinny people
Irina and Eugene got married when both were 23 years old. At 25, Ira gave birth to the first, at 28 - the second child. She sat at home with the children, did not go out, Zhenya worked a lot. And he made very good money. When the youngest was one year old, Zhenya packed his things and, saying that he would support the children, went to live with his parents. He came once a week, brought food and money. And he left again.
Eh, Irina did not know what the psychologist later told her at the training - about thirty men can radically change their erotic views. Instead of brunettes, blondes begin to like, instead of thin people - plump ones. And his proposal to get fat (lose weight), repaint, change the style of clothing should be taken very seriously. Listen to wishes and agree to changes.
Exactly, he asked several times: “Ira, can you grow your hair? Maybe change your hair color? A light one would suit you ... Let's go buy you a dress ... ”I didn’t pay attention: short hair is more comfortable, and a dress when you walk with two kids is uncomfortable, jeans are much more practical,” Ira later recalled.
She took the coaching advice. The gray hedgehog on the head was replaced in a few months by a still short, but already blond bob, dresses with a decollete, proper bras and moderate heels were bought. In general, it flourished. I called recently, shared: my husband returned, everything is fine.
By the way, you will have to change at least outwardly for the rest of your life in order to deceive male polygamy.
Men, they are arranged like this: she changed her dress and shoes - already some other, she changed her hair, besides, she turned on the playful mood - everything, a new woman in his house, - the coach assures.
35 - 45 years old
I'm still damn young!
At this age, a man is reassessing what has been achieved.
The first signs of this condition - a man changes his behavior, - says the psychologist. - He begins to look younger, renews his wardrobe and perfume, starts listening to other music in the car. Casanova syndrome kicked in. It is now important for a man to prove that he is still very, very in every sense! And his wife, unlike other ladies, no longer looks at him with admiration ... Do not miss this call! Rejuvenate with him! Spend all your free time with him, do not leave him alone. If you do not want to lose your man, settle for his erotic fantasies, but at least for role-playing games. And keep in mind - almost no man is able to leave the family if his wife does not let go!
Here are my friends - Misha and Lena. At the age of forty, Misha - a financier, a respectable family man and a father of two children - suddenly became interested in a work colleague, a young and cheerful young lady. And to his wife Lena, at a family dinner with meatballs, he said: that's it, I'm leaving, I'm tired! He even slammed his fist on the table.
But he didn't leave. There is no second apartment, but Lena did not kick her out of the existing one. She looked at him longingly and grieved for a good year. And then suddenly took up the device of personal life. And I got so carried away that later Misha told me:
It's like she's been replaced. Laughs all the time. Previously, she walked around the house in a dressing gown, and if she needed to go to the store, she walked in sweatpants and sneakers. Now all the time at the parade. She likes someone...
In general, Misha is now experiencing. Looking for opportunities to "start over" with the new Lena. And Lena thinks if she needs the old Misha.
What about talking?
This age is the easiest in terms of psychology. The children have grown, the nest is empty. It's time to strike a balance, to understand what you have achieved, because if your career goes further, then crawling, not like at thirty.
At this age, sex is no longer in the first place for men. They are more important spiritual closeness. And if the wife has become a family, if she has become a friend, a man, most likely, will not leave her, even if he is in love with a young woman. It is terrible to lose stability, domestic and psychological as well. But if kinship is not achieved, alas, the man does not see the point in such a family, ”explains Inna.
But what if the wife at this age finds out about the betrayal? I saw a couple of acquaintances on vacation. Valya read the message of her mistress while Sergey was washing in the shower. It was at the beginning of summer, in Cyprus, on the day of the 25th anniversary of marriage - such a marriage that everyone seemed indestructible. I sobbed for a month and walked around in sunglasses, hiding circles under my eyes. He curled around like a moth: “Valyusha, maybe some water? Valyusha, maybe put an umbrella for you, ultraviolet is so harmful!
Yes, it's too late for me to take care of the youth of the skin! she scoffed in response.
A couple of months have passed. Valya underwent a course of psychotherapy - she was taught how to forgive her husband. Marriage looks perfect again. After all, Valya still loves Sergey. Sergey has become silky, hurries home after work, promises to take him to Cuba next spring.
In general, indeed, in all couples where the man nevertheless left the family, there was a moment: the wife herself let go. And those wives who returned the prodigal to the family understood that she got married and went on the warpath. And the wealthier and more successful the husband, the tougher the war.
OPINIONS OF READERS
On our website, this material has already collected more than 1,500 responses. Here are some of them.
Tatyana:
I have a similar situation. The husband came to the first line. Gone. Hasn't lived for a month. He says he can't be with me. Hard. Says I have to change. At the same time, he does not want to work on himself, claims only to me. A lot of things don’t suit me either, to which he told me - she got married, so be patient.
George:
It was generally accepted that men change after marriage, there are no courtship, flowers, sweets, cinemas and theaters, etc. I think that it is often not a man, the point is that a woman herself begins to consider all this nonsense and a waste of money, oh what she says to her husband. The item of the program is completed, the tick is set in the form of a seal in the passport, we move on to another item, career, children, apartment, cottage, car ... And then surprise and tears, he went to another or he does not pay attention to me at all. You yourself do not change, remain brides, and the husband will be the same, will look after and give flowers!
A simple Russian man:
So that a man does not want to leave a woman, two factors must be observed:
1) A man should marry her according to HIS ardent desire (and not according to her).
2) A woman shouldn't get on a man's nerves.
And all other factors (the presence or absence of an attractive appearance, the ability or inability to manage a household, the presence or absence of children, etc.) do not matter to a peasant and cannot keep him.
Yaroslav, 29 years old:
Came to the first line. It's hard at times. Much has changed, goals, attitudes, tastes. I have a car, an apartment, good job. We live normally. I often pamper my children and wife. But my wife became cold to me. He says that he loves and cannot live without me, but there is less and less intimacy. It's a shame, all sorts of thoughts come to mind bad. Often depression, appeared fear. Thoughts don't just go away. She is young, beautiful. The hostess is great. Of course, I cherish her, because I love her. But without intimacy, marriage is hard. I feel something is wrong. And what? How to be further? Pretend everything's okay? Just be patient and see what happens? But this is a lie! And lying to yourself and your family is the last thing.
Men have recently been positioned in various women's programs as brainless pets that women must endlessly please, come up with something to keep them, interest them, etc. And what about the men themselves? Few of them fight for their woman, they believe that since she married him and has children, she will not go anywhere.
The guest:
She lived with her husband for 30 years. Conclusions: 1. Everyone changes, believe me. 2. If you want to leave, you won’t be able to hold it back, but, as a rule (according to statistics), women are the first to file for divorce, by the way, they often regret it later. 3. What did you change for soap, your own is already native, and the new one will come - someone else's, you still need to get used to it, and will it find a common language with children (if any). 4. And who said it would be easy? A family is a daily work, if you don’t learn to maneuver, not to notice, forgive, endure - you will live alone, and let whoever likes what, let him choose for himself.
Masha:
I wonder why it is always only a woman who must, must do everything? .. I have been married for almost 40 years and now I don’t understand what I liked about him then? But I still love my husband, we are already like relatives, and I don’t understand how I could leave him! And men at the age of 30, 40, 50, etc. ... leave anyway, there would be a reason! Either I wanted to be younger, or something else does not suit me. At the age of 30, my virtual loves began, but it all took place before my eyes, in a common company, so I was able to stop all this! And you know how, I just made all his friends fall in love with me! And his love showed in all its glory! And he understood everything very quickly! And on the 25th wedding anniversary he said that I was the best ... in every way! So be sure to take care of yourself!
Lapulia:
My dear began to cheat on me at 33 with a pullet (even a child - she was 23). She cried, begged him to change his mind - but no ... He deceived, said that he had abandoned her, of course, I believed. And then she pulled herself together, began to take care of herself and ... found herself a lover 7 years younger. The husband walks on his hind legs - whatever one may say, they feel it.
Let's discuss!
