Men rarely seek help after breaking up with their wife. This is not due to the fact that men are not abandoned. Biological and social factors are at work here. Science knows that a woman loves more than a man, but calms down when she is abandoned faster than a man.
This is due to the fact that men are by nature introverts, that is, the principles by which they live change slowly, and their behavior is determined by internal ideas.
But if his ideas change, then he will immediately begin to act in accordance with them. And it's hard to get him off track. Women by nature are usually extroverts, that is, their behavior is rather determined by external representations. It is easier for her to move on to some other path.
From the point of view of society, this is due to the fact that when a man leaves his wife, both men and women sympathize with the woman. And when a woman leaves a man, both men and women laugh at him.
That's why a man would rather commit suicide than complain. But in vain! He can be helped. But these are all statistics. AT real life happens and vice versa.
An example of a technique for working with a man who was abandoned by his wife
Here I give in some detail the technique of working with a man who was abandoned by his wife. With this man, I mostly corresponded, occasionally called back, but I did not see him in the eyes. This is what I'm going to publish right now. I'll add my comments along the way. Names and place of residence have been changed.On May 4, a man called me from Tambov. His voice was sad. He said that his wife was leaving him. He lost all life guidelines, because he lived for the sake of his wife and child, and is ready to commit suicide if this happens and is ready for anything to save his family.
I asked him to purchase my book Psychological Vampirism, where Psychological Aikido was published, as well as The Sperm Principle, where depreciation letters were published, and send me a letter detailing the situation. And if possible, write a depreciation letter to his wife.
A few hours later I received a response. “I am 31, my wife is 28, my daughter is 5. We have been living together for 7 years, we met at our work, she was married(A slip of the pen according to Freud, apparently, she married him to herself - M. L.). But I fell in love with her, helped her get comfortable at work and get a promotion, and she left me.
For me, she became the woman of my life, one might say that life itself. According to her, before the wedding, she did not think that we would be good in sex, but it turned out not to be so. We had a very good and happy marriage, and so do I and she.
We have always lived separately from our parents, we bought a one-room apartment for the birth of a child, unfortunately, we still live in it, but we were ready to buy something more this year. I'm not afraid to say that we lived with her soul to soul, I do not remember the cases when we seriously quarreled. (It's a pity that people do not analyze their small conflicts. This would help to avoid significant conflicts. - M. L.).
A little over a year and a half ago, she found herself a new job. She said that she wanted to realize herself. It so happened that I did it quite successfully in my work. I didn't treat her well. new job, I'll explain why.
Probably, I am the type of person for whom not super good wealth, money is important (all this should be present, but for me this is not an end in itself). The warmth of the house is more important to me, so that there is a close, dear person nearby. She began to devote all her time to work, work like a damned woman, disappear there(or meet another person - M. L.).
I sat with the child, maybe I did not do much with him, but I was with him. I sat with him when he was ill, I had such an opportunity, I sat with him in the evenings. She took sick leave only when there was a full guard, or I insisted on it. I will not say that she is a bad mother - she loves our child very much, she just got very carried away with herself and her work(or an employee - M. L.).
She is a very neat person in everyday life, you can say a clean one, but let's just say, I became sloppy, relaxed, feeling that everything was fine with us. I began to notice that she began to move away from me, and in recent weeks, that something is happening or has happened, that something has happened.
I wrote her a letter on paper, with my feelings, and 1.5 weeks ago we had an explanation. She said that she fell in love with another person, that she did not know what to do, but she wanted to go to him. What she wants from him is a child.
She says that yes, everything was just great with us, it’s just wonderful that I am very good man that she appreciates and respects me. I love her and want her to always be by my side. I am ready to do everything so that she stays, I know that I have the strength, patience, courage to start all over again.
Starting all over again means making her fall in love with you again, because my feeling for her did not fade away and did not waver for a second. I am ready to do everything to return it and win it again. She is a very private person by nature. her mother is a rather tough person and was harsh with her as a child, and she still remembers this.
She recently told me about things that offended her, spoke out. I think this is a good sign, but I'm still afraid of losing her. I know that we can be happy together.
At the beginning of our marriage, we had a father-daughter relationship, now she has “grown up” a lot, she is very proud of what she has achieved at work, that without her, according to her, “the office will rise”, that she is an irreplaceable person there. Timothy".
“Hello, dear Mikhail Efimovich!
Thank you so much for encouraging me to read your books. Indeed, without them, asking to write a letter is a waste of your time. I have almost finished reading your book "Psychological Vampirism", next I have "The Sperm Principle". (These books contain "psychological aikido" and depreciation letters - M. L.).
I looked at a lot of things, but almost everything, in a new way.(Here it is a change of principles! The algorithm of attitude has changed, now the algorithm of behavior will also change. There were no unnecessary discussions about the correctness of the rules set forth in my books. - M. L.).
I found a lot of new things for myself in the rules and aphorisms. I wrote them out for myself and look through them periodically. I don’t know how right I am, but it seems that I was Koshchei the immortal in life.(I call immortal Koshchei people who live not for themselves, but for someone else. Among the relatives of my patients, I saw them in bulk. Badly sick, but Koshchei the immortal twitches and interferes with helping their loved ones. Most often - mothers, less often sisters and the wives of the sick... They look like pretty women, but in fact Koshchei are immortal, whose soul is in the body of a sick relative. - M. L.)
I understand that I did almost everything wrong, although in general I tried to go towards the goal: not to stand still. I understood a lot about our relationship with my wife, what and where I missed, where I was wrong. And most importantly, I realized that only myself can change! I believe in this, and I am ready to make every effort to continue my growth after her return.
I was very interested in the chapter on addictive compulsive love: many moments are very similar in psychological portrait to my wife, and how she describes the person she fell in love with. I would like to get your advice on this matter too. If this is indeed the case, could this be a problem for applying the amortization letter?
You asked me to write a sample depreciation letter - here it is, based on our realities. Unfortunately, I am a layman in psychology and cannot appreciate some points of the letter, because I have doubts. I am afraid that without your help I will do something wrong. I beg you for a personal consultation. When can I call you and arrange a meeting?(So we did not meet with him. We decided everything by correspondence and by phone - M. L.).
I apologize for persistence, demanding a speedy meeting. It just might be more efficient to send this letter before her decision becomes an act. Although, what am I saying, she has already committed an act.
And here is the letter itself.
"Bella!
You're doing the right thing by not wanting to live with me. I am no longer such a sun, not such a Tishechka as I used to be. I'm not as smart anymore, not as empathetic and not as gentle as I used to be, I'm not as good at helping you around the house, and most importantly, I was not good at intimate relationships and put pressure on you all the time.
I am writing this to you not in order for you to return, but in order to thank you for the happiness that you gave me and ask for forgiveness for not being able to answer you the same. Now I understand how hard it was for you to not love me and treat me so well.
They say time heals, although I still find it hard to believe. But don't worry about me. I'll try in time to calm down and live happy life if, of course, this is possible. I am also writing to you so that you can help me to wean myself from you. Let's not meet.
You will leave your daughter with your mother, and I will pick her up from there, and at work we will have lunch at different times. And one more request: tell me what qualities I need to acquire and what to get rid of in order to please a woman like you. I understand that I will never meet someone like you, but if someone comes across who even slightly resembles you, I will not miss my chance. I wish you happiness. Timothy".
And this is my answer.
"Timofey!
You are a capable and disciplined student. Send as is. Call again. M. Litvak.
I was really blown away by his performance. If he had started a discussion, I don’t know what would have come of it. He believed in the idea. He didn't doubt her. He doubted himself. Did he do it right?
Unfortunately, many start work without faith in the idea, and when something does not work out, they begin to scold the principle of depreciation, instead of looking for their mistake. That is why the case often drags on for months and years, although everything can be done within a few days.
“Dear Mikhail Efimovich!
As I said, I wrote and gave her a letter! Unfortunately, for the time being, I cannot deliver the letter to the person she fell in love with. I still don't know his name.(And you don’t need to know. “Dearly respected one whom my wife fell in love with,” and then a letter. You need to do everything quickly. - M. L.). I think that over time, I will be able to do it, I have already written a letter to him.
I am surprised to see what changes are taking place in me, and I understand that I like them. Before, I thought only about what happened, about mourning, about hopelessness. Now I gladly turned on the music in the car and began to think about work with interest.
It became interesting to see how what I do will affect people. She is (no longer his wife and beloved, but she is M. L.). She really wants us to go to Ryazan to her parents, there is a suspicion that she wanted to talk to her godmother there. She began to hide behind the child, that she already wants to go there.(Think less about her and do not give her any instructions, and most importantly, do not expose her - M. L.). I said the child has to deal with it on his own.
I think it would be nice if I, in order to limit our communication, spend more time at work.(Yes, it's great - M.L.). How do you think? There is another question: if she says, “I love you,” she can say it for appearances, but in her heart she will still love that person. How can I avoid, or rather, capture such a moment?(And you believe her and do what you want. The most important thing is for you to lead correctly. If she lied, it’s worse for her. She will sleep with an unloved person, that is, with you, according to own will. In general, consider him a husband, and yourself a lover. Then the balance will be on your side. - M.L.). If she decides to say so for some reason.
Can a person like her act in this situation contrary to what I am doing, do it out of spite, hurt myself, hate?(Again, you think about her. If you think, then think well of her. After all, you want her to return. So she is not harmful. Do not contradict yourself. And if she is harmful, then everything will immediately become clear, and the desire to be with She will be lost. You will see her black soul. - M.L.).
After all, it happens that we do something out of harm, contrary to what is.(Yes, it happens. But they do it stupid and bad people. - M.L.).
For some reason I don't think so. It is wonderful to have goals in life and move towards them, not by jumping from the 10th floor in a straight line, but by finding the stairs or the elevator. Until I make plans for the future, how it will turn out for us, but then we must definitely think over, understand how to build what will come later.
What do I need to become to be happy? There is one more thing that worries me: what if by chance she understands, learns about your technique, understands that she was manipulated?(You are too good opinion about her. If she had at least understood something, she would not have left you. But if he understands, he will simply admire you. And what kind of manipulation is that? Manipulation is when I win and my partner loses. Here you lose, and she wins. You act very humanely, sacrificing your interests. You allow her to do what she wants, but you demand from her the actions that you need, they do not bother her in any way. This is what those who love do. Unfortunately, you still do not know how to love, since you doubt the correctness of these actions. Now just study. - M.L.).
Although I did everything to prevent this from happening.
I will certainly strive to take a high leadership position in our company, in my opinion, a wonderful goal. I want to become a self-sufficient person, live in a "nice house with walls and a ceiling, and have beautiful wallpapers in the house." Which of your books do you think I should study next?(Which one will be of interest to you. To me, the author, all of them are dear, and I think that you need to read them all. But I can be wrong. So decide for yourself. - M.L.).
Probably "If you want to be happy." Thank you very much. With deep respect, Timofey from Tambov.
This letter was answered immediately.
“Dear Mikhail Efimovich!
Thanks for the replies, you are absolutely right. The letter has already been sent to him. So I did everything quickly, as you said. What should I do if she wants to talk about everyday topics: who pays the money, what to do with the child. I think, to say how it will be done - then we will decide, but now there is nothing to say.
But do not give yourself offense and do not be a devoted doggie. She wants to go with her daughter to rest, but without him. He said that let him give the money, because she went to him. I have something to do with it. Here are the news so far.
Working, moving... I'll keep you posted. When the time comes, I'll try to describe everything in more detail. I think maybe tomorrow.
Sincerely, Timofey.
My answer was extremely short.
"Timofey!
You are well done! Don't be afraid to act, don't be afraid to make mistakes. Good luck. M. Litvak.
“Hello Mikhail Efimovich! I send you a report for the previous days.
08 May.
So I become what I should become: a strong, self-confident, successful person. Let's try to restore yesterday: She wrote me a note that I am a wonderful, good, sensitive person, thank you for the love, for everything that I did for her. I unsubscribed that this is not so, that if it were, as she writes, she would love me and would not leave.
At night, I wrote another letter, because. she constantly “rocked” me with how much good I did, how good it was for her, etc. etc. After talking with you, I said that there was no need to torment me, no need to turn everything into torture for me, try to imagine yourself in my place, she was terribly agitated, tore up what I had written.
The content of the letter to her: “Beloved, you are now behaving with me like a sadist, very cruelly. Understand that I still love you very much, and I want you to be happy. ( Little inaccuracy. Instead of "understand" it would be better to write "you understand." Behind the word "understand" one hears "fool, you are such a thing." But for a beginner in psychological aikido, it is excusable - M.L.).
I want you to be with the person you love. I don't have to do anything out of pity, it only makes me feel worse.
Understand, when you are worried about me, you want to stroke, hug, touch, it is very hard for me to bear it. You gave me a lot of happiness, it was a very happy seven years of my life for me, thank you for that.
I failed to give you what you deserve. I didn't deserve you. This is a fact, because you are leaving for a loved one, but you do not love me. I want to try to forget you, I don't know if I can succeed.
Imagine what your loved one will say to you, you know, you are so wonderful, but I love the other one more. What torture will then turn for you all his touches and actions out of compassion for you, out of pity for you.
Do not talk to me, feel sorry for me, do not think about me, think about yourself, about your loved one. I am not worthy of you. I also ask you to tell me what I need to become, so that if I suddenly meet a woman like you, so as not to repeat the mistakes that I made with you. Please tell me this sometime. Loving you, Timothy.
There were also mini dialogues, I said - what are you pulling - go to him, because you have already decided everything a long time ago, now it only hurts more. She says that I have nowhere to go yet, that I also live here for the time being. That she is also very bad, that she understands how bad I am.
She asked me what is love? Now I understand that I need to answer what you know better, you know. I cited your example about a house and beautiful wallpapers, could not resist and added that a successful family is a calculation plus love, it is possible without love. I don't think it was quite right.(Well done! I myself found a mistake. - M. L.).
I say that I need to change in order to become worthy of a woman like her.
Yesterday, while I was gone, I cleaned the apartment, cooked dinner, from the products that I bought. He really wants to go on vacation with his daughter. I say go with her. Exhausted after the night. She said yesterday that her legs do not obey. She says she didn't think I would do that.(I wonder what she wanted him to do? After all, he let her go without reproaches. I would also add that “You are happy. You have love. But what remains for me?” But for a beginner, it’s already great. - M. L.).
We talked a little about plans for a child. He wants to take his daughter with him. She understands what kind of trauma it will be for the child, and this greatly torments her. She said that that person has 2 children, a 9-year-old daughter and a 2-year-old son.
I said, probably incorrectly, that I do not want our child to live in the same family with such a person, and even in another city. She said that he was being transferred to St. Petersburg, that her career was very important to her, that she was a careerist. He understands that there will be a not very good financial situation, because. 50% will go to child support. She said that this apartment is mine (I really earned it), that she does not apply for it. It suits me just fine.
I asked that the money that I would transfer would go only to my daughter's account. Today she said that she was exhausted, that she wanted to be alone, to think. I said that you don’t have to think about me, I don’t deserve to be with her, I said that she should think about what would be better for her. Earlier, in the dialogues, I repeatedly heard the phrase: make no mistake.(Comments are superfluous - M. L.). In the evening she asked me to go to bed early, because. very tired and very exhausted. I replied, - "As you say, my love."
Last night and today went smoothly. It didn't bother me in particular. Just yesterday I wrote SMS “When will I be home?”. I said that you should not worry about me - you need to think about who you love.
Today, the whole day managed to act in the appropriate key. We went by car for a child to the country. She asked me to drive, I said that this car was not worthy of her. She began to insist, I said - as you say, dear. On the way, he called. I said that I should not be shy, - she asked me to leave her alone. My answer is "Whatever you say honey." I learned very well how to pronounce this phrase. I also constantly say that I want her to be happy and that I love her very much.
In general, her condition became calmer, because. she made plans for herself that she would go on vacation with the child, plus she said that such a situation as now would drag on for about 2 months, that she had nowhere to go now, because. he himself is not from Tambov, there is not an apartment or anything here.
I think that because of such certainty that it will not reach her parents, she became calmer. Then, it seems, there are plans that he will be transferred to St. Petersburg, and they will go there, and with our child, which somehow does not suit me very much. It will obviously be a plus for her, because. she will just cut off all the ends and get rid of the pressure of her parents.
She is very tormented by thoughts about our child. Sometimes, when he looks at me and my daughter, his eyes are wet. Said she couldn't leave her baby for someone else, but he did. He says he does it for her. He asks to go with the child to the fireworks.
I first suggested that she go with her beloved, she asked us to go, I agreed. When we went to the fireworks, she looked at me from the side, said that I had lost a lot of weight. In general, he tries not to call me, not to talk to me, not to touch me.
Maybe you need to shake it up with something again, unsettle it?(How you still want to be aggressive - M.L.). She became much calmer. He really wants to visit a child psychologist to mitigate the consequences for our child. My strategy is still: think about yourself, about your loved one, about a child, but you don’t need to think about me, I’m not worth it, and you don’t love me either. I will do everything to make you happy, but I won’t let myself be destroyed, that I am strong and that’s why I do it.
May 10.
In the morning we started talking about the baby. She asked me to take a walk with her, because she needs to be left alone to meet Him (she did not say the latter, because she said that she could not say it out loud). I said that there is no need to be ashamed of me, because. I want you to be happy. Because she is taking her daughter with her to St. Petersburg, I slowly need to wean her from the fact that I am an unworthy father, that He will be better for her, but you don’t need to think about me, I’m not worth it.
What is the best position for me to take on the issue of communication with the child?
It seems to me that it is not quite right that she is taking care of herself, and I am sitting with the child. I also have my own plans, and I need to move on. In my opinion it will be correct. And again I wrote her a letter:
"Hello Bella!
I want to write you this letter so that you can be a little calmer. I want to tell you that I feel better now. I began to sleep better, I had an appetite. I think that I have already fallen out of love with you by 20 percent.
I am very grateful to you, because I read a lot of books, met interesting people, learned a lot of new things, became stronger, grew a lot morally. Forgive me, but let's tell our parents about everything. You know, we haven't had sex for a long time (when it's good for both of us), and I want to find someone for myself, and if my parents don't know how I will look in their eyes?
I need to work hard on myself, do a lot, so that if I meet a woman like you, I can keep her. Therefore, I cannot stay at home for a long time. In addition, since If you want to take your daughter with you to Petersburg, already start trying to live with her on your own, without my help, and let her begin to wean herself from me.
What I mean is that next week I won't be able to stay at home for a long time. Decide for yourself who will sit with her. I still love you and I'm so glad you're on the mend. Don't worry about your daughter, I will always be her dad. Let's decide when we tell your parents, I also want to talk to your parents, write them a letter, explain everything and thank them. Just understand(Again, “understand” - M. L.), you have happiness and love, I also want to try (and suddenly it will work out) to find myself a loved one who will love me.I wish you happiness. Timothy".
I read the letter 2 times, asked when we would tell our parents. I said whatever you say honey. So far there has been no more reaction. Maybe add a little about “became fat”, etc.?(Again, an unnecessary desire to be aggressive - M.L.).
In the evening she said that she thinks that if she had told me right away, then nothing would have happened, in the sense that everything would be fine with us. Today I will continue my course of action. I have not yet decided what position to take in court about the child. I don't know yet.
Do you think I need to take some additional steps now, or just continue my course of action?
Sincerely, Timofey.
My answer.
In principle, all your behavior is correct. You can stir it up by sending a letter to your parents. Excuse - You took a cue from her. She didn't tell you when she cheated on you. After all, when you converged, she promised you not to change.
Noble people first get divorced and then fall in love with another. And she, like a bun, rolled over. This is her understanding of nobility, and you agreed with him. And besides, you want to maintain a good relationship with her parents. "And how to keep them if I'm not frank." But it's better to tell her this and send a letter.
Although it will be really bad for her later, when she gets together with her beloved. And it will start to pull when it stops receiving information about you. So no special effort is needed. You can do nothing.
If you start to put pressure on her, she will only unite with her beloved, and the problem of returning will be more difficult to solve. Communicate with the child from the position that you love him. With whom to be, she decides.
If she decides to be with you, then you can sue. But here you need to consult with lawyers. Here is the best position of the biblical woman who sued her child. Two women had a boy at the same time. But one of the children soon died. Women defended their right to a living child and went to court to King Solomon.
When Solomon said that he could not decide whose child, and ordered that the child be cut in half, the true mother abandoned the child. So you do not tear the child to pieces. Better give it to your wife.
The phrase here is suitable as follows: “I love you, daughter, and I want you to feel good. I really want to live with you. But if you feel better with your mom, stay with your mom.” Nothing new is needed. One can only write about the fact that love continues to decrease. Good luck. M. Litvak.
I immediately received a response to this letter.
“Hello, Mikhail Efimovich!
Yesterday I talked to her parents and told them what was going on. Now I am in a state of siege, because her every phrase comes to me in a harsh ironic manner. I do not cling, I answer: "As you say, dear."
An example of her remark: “You are such an angel with us: it’s just that the wings are growing.” She really does not want to communicate and talk with her parents. She is very afraid that all this will come up at her work, that she will lose her job. Her dad (he is an old party member, and still remembers the times when the team condemned and “returned to the bosom of the family”) wants to talk to her team.
What do you think this conversation could lead to? Is it worth it to resist or implicitly push?
Formally, she may not be able to work there further, and he may not get a promotion to St. Petersburg. It will be a plus for me in court, I still want to keep the child with me. She has not yet had a conversation with her parents, she really does not want him, because. believes that she will be poured with mud there. In principle, her mother can do this.(I cease to understand what we are doing. The return of the prodigal wife to the bosom of the family or the rejection of the child? Let's decide, and we will do one thing - M. L.).
I am very glad that I can leave for a while and really look forward to a vacation, going early next week. Her loved one gives her money, which suits me perfectly. Some doubts arose whether to let the child go on vacation with her. I'll probably leave anyway.(That's right - M.L.).
She's obviously mad at me now. He tries to prick and hurt in everything. So vicious, but she has this behavior, as if she was completely cornered. Sometimes my hands just drop, but I try to hold on. Already found a good divorce lawyer. I'm ready for any options.
So far, all the news for today, Sincerely, Timofey.
My answer.
"Timofey! I have already answered this question. Of course, she can be fired from her job, but will she return to you? In general, the less interference the better. And if she calls you an angel, then here we can agree. Depreciation works great.
“Of course an angel. That's because I'm an angel, so you're with me and do not want to live. Angels are no fun. I will try to become a devil so that the next woman does not leave me. Still, you don't always get depreciation. Good luck. M. Litvak.
Dear my readers!
I don't know what you think, but I think that Timothy's behavior is impeccable. After all, with everything that she did not offer, he agreed. He proceeded from the position that all people are good. He did not arrange jealousy scenes, he invited his wife to meet with her beloved in their apartment.
He took all the blame for the breakup. There was no criticism of his wife. But he needed to protect himself. He didn't want to talk to her. But Timothy has already become a stranger to Bela. And she began to hate. It's not his fault that his parents took his side. He thought that they would support their daughter. And just out of all the techniques of psychological aikido, he used the principle of depreciation, however, almost all of its variants.
"Timofey!
Happy for you. My comments are in the body of the email. I wish you success. M. Litvak.
"News from the battlefields...(this is the title of Timothy).
Hello, Mikhail Efimovich!
I just talked to my wife's parents, after informing her about this and saying that it's hard for me to lie to them. I realized that it became much easier for me after this conversation: firstly, it was very nice to see how they treat me, and secondly, there is no need to lie and dissemble anymore.(It is very difficult to lie and deceive. It causes great emotional stress. You must remember to whom, what you said. You must have a very good memory and strong nerves. Somewhere I wrote about this in detail. after all, he was going to commit suicide. A lie would finally finish him off - M. L.).
I still spoke in the same vein that I love her, I am very glad that I have a good relationship with them (her parents), and I don’t want to lose them in the future, I know that they love her and will understand everything . But, if I were in her place, I would be very tense.
Now the facts:
- they want to talk to her (this is quite natural for parents);
- they said that if she wanted to live temporarily with them, they would not accept her;
- they said that they would like the child to stay with me, that if I decide to fight for him at the trial, they will come out on my side, (I begin to seriously think about it);
- her dad has an idea to make a little "performance" at her work, in terms of exposing them to the collective, turning against them the society in which they work.
- her mom wants to talk to her loved one, what does she really want to tell him - I don't know(And this should not be done. This will only bring them closer. - M. L.).
- they said that if they used to help her with the child so that it would be easier for her to work, now they won’t do it yet - let her spin around herself, although they love their grandson very much and miss him very much, (In vain, of course - M. L.);
- her parents are definitely against her going on vacation with our daughter without me.(In general, it would be better if they didn’t change their behavior towards her. You can express your attitude, but you can’t change your behavior. But they have already done it. Unfortunately, we don’t have a psychological culture. I have an idea to write a book on this topic - M. L.).
“Dear Maria Petrovna and Leonid Vasilyevich!
It is still difficult for me to talk about some things, so I am writing this letter to you. I am very grateful to Bella for the seven years of happiness she gave me. I still love her very much and I want her to be happy, I hope that everything will be fine with her. I guess I'm not the person she deserves.(The word “probably” would be better not to insert. This is not depreciation. It turns out that she is not right. Of course, you are not the right person. Everything else is correct. - M. L.).
I know that you love her very much, that you will understand everything. I am very sorry that I had little contact with you before, perhaps this would help me keep her, make her happy. I hope that we remain friends with you and that I can still ask for your advice. I don't want to repeat the same mistake if in the future, suddenly, I meet a woman even slightly like Bella.
I hope that you will tell me what I did wrong, what mistakes I made, so as not to repeat the same. Sincerely, Timofey.
I am seriously thinking about how I will behave in court.(Let's think about it when she files a lawsuit. Maybe she will come back to you. After all, we are engaged in her return, but psychologically competently! Have you already forgotten about this? Or are we already engaged in a divorce? - M. L. )?
I feel strong in myself, I think that I can keep my daughter with me(And I'm sure of it. - M. L.). I am looking for good lawyers.(But the most important thing is how you behave. The main thing is that she filed for divorce. I will send you the defendant's speech in court. But wait again. Maybe she will come back to you. Let's finally finish one thing. - M. L.).
I know that if she says that she has decided to stay, it will only be possible for me if she says "I love you." In any case, it will not be right away, and in order to try to collect the fragments that we now have, it will take a lot of effort, patience and time and work to do this.
I know that I will continue to live, work and strive for success regardless of whether she returns or not. In a way, I'm glad(But it's great that we are happy. - M. L.) ,
that life sent me such a test. Without him, I would not have started moving up, and I would have been sitting in my swamp. Thank you for your advice, regards, Timofey.
You see, my dear readers, how psychologically competent behavior with an unrighteous goal led to a correction of the goal. I think the Jesuits are wrong in saying that the end justifies the means. From my point of view, the most important thing is the right means. They will change the wrong goal.
Once again I want to emphasize that returning a departed spouse to the bosom of the family is an unrighteous goal. You can not force yourself or anyone else to live with an unloved person. Otherwise, the house will turn into a prison with life imprisonment and constant torture. And the last letter of Timothy.
“Hello, dear Mikhail Efimovich!
I look at myself from the outside and rejoice at the changes that are taking place in me. My motivation to work has greatly increased: I really want to advance in my work. Slowly, what you told me is happening is that I won't be ready to take her back if she wants to come back. I understand that at the moment I still love her, and I am ready for her to return.
But I realized that I was ready to do this only if she sincerely could show me that she loves me, that she understands what she is striving for, what she needs from life and why she wants to return. (emphasis added by Timothy).
I understand that for her it is still a very long way and it is not known where I will be, when she will pass it and whether it will pass, because. I'm not going to stand still either. Yesterday she talked for a very long time with her father, and, according to her mother, she came out all crimson.
As far as I know, dad just talked to her so that she weighs the pros and cons of her decision, told her his vision of the situation, life, from the height of her life experience. Due to the fact that I slightly changed my attitude to what is happening and what happened, we had the following dialogue:
“You said that you want me to be good, you know that I still love you, but I can’t show my love, because you love another person. You've already made up your mind that you want to be with him, and it's hard for me when you're around, so because If you're going to leave anyway, maybe you'll start looking for an apartment.
I don’t chase you and don’t set any deadlines, but it’s very hard for me to be with you, to love you and not be able to realize my desires. I want to try to forget you, and so it will be easier for me to do it.
With my daughter, I don’t know yet what I will do, but I will make sure that she is happy. I know how much you love our daughter and want her to stay with you, but I must be sure that she will be well provided financially, that she will be given enough time, and that she will live in good conditions.
I repeated her words that she wants a child from a loved one, that if she stays with me, we will have no more children, that she will hate me. I said that if she decides to return, I will be ready to accept her only if I see some things, but I did not say what. He said that while the door was open for her, but it was already half closed.
I began to understand that she was completely unprepared for such a turn of events, because. her plans included not to pull me yet and not even inform me of what was happening. She agreed to go on vacation with everyone in order to wait until her loved one was transferred to St. Petersburg, and then move on by herself. Those. play completely behind my back.
A very interesting point is that she doesn’t even know for sure yet if he told his family what plans he has regarding a divorce from his family. He says that he seems to have told his wife everything. So far, as far as I know, he is not in Tambov (he is not Tambov himself), but with his family somewhere there.
When analyzing the situation now, I have thoughts that it is banal, at first, they could use, confuse, as they say, just sleep, and then she turned out to be just a convenient person for later life. Although this can easily be completely wrong, and they are really the new Romeo and Juliet (for some reason, this is hard to believe).
She is very afraid that everything will become known at their work, how the management will look at it, their leader is a very decent person, with a family, with two children, very intelligent and educated.
He can easily ask them both to write a statement of his own free will, although he may not do this. She is VERY STRONGLY EXCITED, tk. work for her is number 1. Ie. she is clearly not ready to go somewhere, but I do not want this to continue. Leaving go. Her parents don't want to see her in their house.
I understand that at the moment I am not acting on the principle of depreciation, but I have found myself both a sense of dignity and a sense of pride and do not want to be used. May it be so! The only thing is, I absolutely do not want this to somehow touch our daughter.
According to one woman (we are family friends), Bela is a person who has not experienced real difficulties in life, and now she subconsciously found them on her head (or some other place). I decided that I would not interfere with her in finding these difficulties. If you want, take it.
She said that she hated me, that she would not talk to me about anything. Tried to insult me, which I had to stop. I said it was great, that she wouldn't talk, that it was exactly what I needed.
I also said that when communicating at home, you must, first of all, think about your daughter, and if we start throwing mud at each other, it will only get worse for her, that we don’t need to drag her from side to side, that we definitely need to consult with a child psychologist, How can we better deal with him? That I love and respect her. That you don't have to treat me like this.(But, starting with “More ...”, it was not necessary to say. After all, this is a banal truth that his wife has already known for 20 years. And in general, what is known to everyone should not be said, because it will sound like an insult. This it’s the same as telling a person that you need to wash your hands before eating, brush your teeth in the morning and evening, do exercises in the morning, etc. - M. L.).
In short, to my pleasure, we do not communicate at all now, although I understand that this is bad for our daughter. ( But this is not yet a fact - M. L.).
I realized that my attitude to what is happening continues to change and does not stand still. I don’t know yet what position I will take in court regarding the child, it will depend on my knowledge about the conditions in which she will live, about her attitude towards him.
There will be confidence that he will be fine in the long run - and I won’t say a word.(Hurry up again. We are engaged in the return of Bela. Let's deal with this first. Are you returning her or are you refusing her? I don’t understand anything at all. - M. L.).
To summarize the above: so far for me there are 1.5 open questions.
1 - how to deal with the child.
0.5 - can I accept her if she wants to come back.(She has not yet asked to see you. When she asks, then start thinking. After all, Jesus Christ advised us to take care of today. And tomorrow will take care of itself - M. L.).
Thank you very much. By the way, I said that I consider the consultation successful. I am in your debt. With deep respect, Timothy.
And my farewell letter.
"Timofey!
My congratulations. You are well done. Self-esteem is the most important value. You have it. Consider that you paid me back with your disciplined attitude to the matter and thus confirmed the correctness of my theoretical concepts and practical advice. Typically, this work for my wards took up to six months. But you figured it all out in less than a week. It's faster than I even thought.
I told my wards that if I could move into you, I would resolve the situation in two weeks. You got it faster. Of course, soon she will ask you, but I am almost sure that you will not accept her, although in principle she is not a bad woman.
She just has a kolobok script. She rolled over from your predecessor to you. If she stays with your opponent, then after he helps her advance, she will roll to another. But the main thing is not this.
The main thing is the preserved sense of your own dignity. You can live with him, even if a woman left you and live with dignity. Now you will finish this game without me. You have mastered the techniques of psychological aikido.
And do not consider yourself my debtor. Your rapid mastery of the methods of psychologically literate communication is ample compensation for my efforts. Yes, and I inserted your story into a book. But if, in the course of your intensive activity, you keep me informed about your affairs, I will be very pleased, and if I can be of service to you, then I will be simply delighted. Good luck. M. Litvak.
When I talked about this incident in one of my lectures, one young sexy woman exclaimed indignantly: “What a cruel technique!” Yes, cruel from the position of this woman! What do you think, and if she had not rolled like a bun, from one man to another, would she have got into a similar situation?
And what do you think, my dear reader, is this a cruel technique or not?
I think not. For the kolobok, perhaps, this shake-up is also useful. And then, after all, you can roll up to the fox, and she will certainly eat him. Yes, and good must be able to protect itself, otherwise it will not be good, but evil.
And finally, the last letter of Timothy, which can be called an epilogue.
"I'm good. Now I am actively involved in sports (I want to get in shape a little), I work a lot and willingly. Plans to learn better German and be sure to get to one of your seminars.
As for my attitude towards my wife: I still love her, but I can no longer accept and even more so understand her actions and actions towards me and our daughter. The desire to manipulate her into returning was gone.
Why do I need this pacifier, albeit with a beautiful body? This is not for me. I deserve better. I really want her to leave as soon as possible: she seems to have rented an apartment, and this should happen soon. I'm looking forward to it. It looks like a not-so-pleasant division of property lies ahead, but I think I can handle it without much loss. I don't want to be offended in this matter either.
In relations with her now, my position is to prevent her from harming me voluntarily or involuntarily. I have a good relationship with her parents, with friends. Everyone gives me great support, although the main support for me is myself. Nevertheless, such an attitude on their part is very pleasant.
One of the important issues for me is building a good relationship with a child, on a different level. If possible, I will ask for your advice on this issue. The relationship with my daughter is important to me and I want to be a good father to her. So far like this. If possible, I - as soon as there is time and (until) my wife is at home - will call you to talk a little.
Thank you very much for your help. With deep respect, Timothy.
A man does not always treat his woman well. And a modern woman has the right to stay with her husband or leave him. If the wife left, and the man realized that he had lost a person who was valuable to him, then the question arises what to do to get her back ..
So the wife left. The first question to be answered is why? What prompted a woman to leave her husband, whom she once loved, respected, trusted? And there can actually be a lot of reasons for this:
- She fell out of love, so she went to another.
- She fell out of love with her husband, so she went into free swimming.
- She was tired of the problems in their relationship.
- She could not forgive her husband's betrayal.
- She is tired of family life. There are women who, in principle, cannot live in a family way.
- She is tired of
- She is tired of domestic problems. Either she is tired of the life that she does all the time, or she is tired of financial poverty, so she wants to find herself a richer prince.
This list is incomplete. It should be understood that women often have not one, but several reasons due to which they leave their husbands. And here you need to know that all the reasons for divorce concern men themselves. It is husbands who have created such conditions in relationships in which it is impossible for wives to be. Despite the fact that women are more inclined to endure and sacrifice themselves for the sake of the family, in some cases the family is not worth the sacrifices that the lady makes.
Drop everything for love
Many people love and know how to be selfless. It seems to them that if they sacrifice everything for the sake of love, then their significant other will follow the same example, and life will reward with positive surprises. But the reality is different from the ideas that people draw in their heads as a result of numerous viewings of soap series and romantic films. And if you decide to quit everything for the sake of love, it’s better to first think about whether real love demand sacrifices from you.
What does it mean to give up everything for love? This means that a person gives up everything that he had in his life in order to satisfy the desires of his soulmate, who is jealous, nervous or just wants the beloved (beloved) to obey and be controlled. Many people make similar sacrifices: they quit their jobs, abandon friends, stop communicating with relatives. But all these restrictions and focus on a loved one do not bring the desired results. does not become more sincere and strong from this.
Often in such situations, the “self-sacrifice” is faced with the fact that all his efforts are not only not noticed, but also do not cause a reciprocal desire to do something. Not only did you give up everything that you had before starting a relationship, but you also notice that you are no longer appreciated, respected, listened to. You are simply commanded, something is required. And love, happiness, joyful moments are becoming less and less. Naturally, as a result of this state of affairs, you may feel unhappy, depressed. And this is all the result of the fact that you left everything for the sake of love.
To begin with, you are invited to understand the true meaning of love in order to realize that a real feeling never requires sacrifice from a loved one. Like real beauty just like real love doesn't wait until you narrow your whole world down to one person. Love does not require sacrifice. Moreover, it, on the contrary, fades away if you stop living the way you lived before it appeared. After all, if you do not live, do not rejoice not only in your loved one, but also in yourself, your activities, friends, etc., then there can be no love in you. Therefore, you should not make stupid sacrifices that will only destroy your relationship. To do this, you should remember about yourself, about your desires, needs and just start living, doing something, getting carried away.
First steps towards reconciliation
So, the wife left, so you decided to get her back. First, think carefully: do you really need to return your wife? Maybe it's a gift of fate that the wife herself decided to give you freedom. Perhaps she did the right thing by breaking up with you. Now you and she will live happily without each other.
But if you still understand that you cannot live without your wife, you really love her, then this may be the only reason for her return. If you want to take revenge on your wife or hurt her, then it’s better not to return it. Go to your beloved only out of a feeling of love and respect, not anger.
What might be your first steps towards reconciliation?
- Don't be too accommodating. Despite the fact that you want to reconcile with your wife, do not forget about your self-esteem. Do not humiliate yourself, do not agree to absolutely all unthinkable return conditions. You don't have to follow your wife. If she wants to humiliate you while you return her, then she does not love you. Be on a par with your wife, otherwise think again how much you need her.
- Don't shower your ex with gifts. Of course, pleasant surprises should be made. But do it solely out of sympathy for her. No need to give gifts to your loved one. This is how you buy it. If she comes back to you because you quarrel with money, then think about whether she loves you specifically. Perhaps she needs you as long as you have the money with which she can buy many different things for herself.
- Solve the problem. The wife left not just like that, but because. What problem arose in your relationship, because of which you quarreled, and your wife left you? Think about how to solve this problem. Moreover, these options should take into account the wishes of your wife. If during a quarrel you insisted on your opinion (and your wife insisted on hers), now think about how to combine your wishes so that the problem is solved in the most beneficial way for both of you. No need to infringe on your interests, but you should not forget about women's wishes.
- Do not talk about your love incessantly. You can confess your love to your wife, but it's better to do it once. It is enough that you are trying to return your wife - this already speaks of your love for her. If you start talking about your love, that you cannot live a day without a wife, then you will show yourself as a person dependent on her. She will sit on your neck in the end.
- Don't give power over your life. Wives tend to believe that if they are returned, then they have won. No, don't let women do that! You return not in order to become a "dog" in the hands of your beloved, but because you want to build equal relations with her. If a woman tries to control and push you around, then show her that you are not ready for this.
- Do not reject help that will help return the relationship. It can be the help of friends and even relatives of the wife. It may be the help of a friend who will talk to your wife. If you know that your wife values someone's opinion, then you can get that person's support.
Make-believe parting
The following question remains a very important point: did the wife break up seriously or pretend? Women have such a feature as punishing men with "privations". If a man has not bought a fur coat, then the woman does not sleep with him. If a man did not take his wife to a restaurant, then she does not cook for him. If a man yelled at his wife, she left him.
In other words, wives often leave not for real, but for show. A man behaves badly, shirks from housework, is rude, pays little attention, has bad habits ... The woman soon decides to punish him, resolving the situation in her favor. One of the worst decisions she can make for herself is to pretend.
"Soft" methods do not help and seem ineffective, and the woman resorts to the last resort. She tells the man that she is breaking up with him, since he does not do something, proudly slams the door and leaves. In fact, a woman is not going to part with her beloved, she just wants to scare him and make him do it his own way. Both lovers cannot live without each other, therefore, when the time of boredom and longing comes, they reconcile, agreeing with all wishes. But such a happy ending may not always happen. If this method is used quite often, then a man may no longer want to return his beloved back.
The make-believe parting method is not always effective and the only way to achieve what you want. Sooner or later, this game can lead to undesirable consequences. After all, how can a woman allow her husband to suffer and be nervous? Could this be about love?
What can be Negative consequences women's make-believe game?
- A man will believe that she is bad with him, and will leave to give her a chance to build her happiness with another man.
- If a man understands that this is just a game, then he will not do anything until the woman herself returns. But in this case, only she will look stupid and pathetic.
- A man can bring his wife back, but this result will be temporary. Subconsciously, he will understand that since he managed to return it once, it means that he will succeed the second time. He feels that his wife is just playing, so the next time the “pretend parting number” will not work.
- A man will really break up with a woman, but she will not know about it. There will be something like a "hanging" state. The wife will believe that the man comes to her to put up, but as soon as she notices that immediately after he has received everything he wanted from her, he leaves. In this case, a man comes to a woman when he needs something from her, but he no longer restores the relationship.
Make-believe parting is an effective method only the first time. After that, serious changes can occur in the mind of a man, after which he will radically change his attitude towards a woman. Therefore, to solve conflict situations it is better to choose other methods and ways: making claims, conversations, requests, and so on.
If you guess and are convinced that your wife broke up with you for fun, then it’s very simple to act here: wait until your wife comes to you herself. In fact, the woman did not leave you, but simply defiantly takes offense and waits for you to crawl to her on her knees to beg for forgiveness and agree to all her conditions. Here, there is no need to do anything of the sort.
- If you want passionate, then come to your wife with flowers, with words of love, even kneel down so that she feels like a queen and becomes predisposed to surrender to you.
- But if you are not playing in a relationship, but intend to build a serious union in which a man and a woman will be present - equal partners, then let your wife be alone and come to you when she wants to.
Believe me, if the wife broke up with you for fun, then she will not go anywhere from you. She will rage and she will come. If the wife is so proud and does not love you that she goes for a walk with other men, you may already raise the issue of divorce. Then she will definitely come running to you to make peace and atone for all sins.
Parting for fun, the wife does not intend to leave you. She just punishes you in this way, trying to get you to do what she wants.
Outcome
Not only husbands leave their wives, but vice versa. Motives and reasons in each case are different. Here you need to look at the situation separately and make those decisions that will help save your face and return your wife at the same time.
If your wife left, do not rush to return her immediately. Give yourself time to move away from the shock and acute situation. Try to recover and regain at least some composure and rationality.
So, the first thing to do is regain your composure.
While you are experiencing an acute state of mental pain, try not to make any decisions. Do not immediately rush to the door and try to get your wife back. Relationship breakdown situations often have a long history that cannot be “unwound” in just 5 minutes in a state of shock. Any decisions that come to a "hot" head can be impulsive and ill-conceived. It is better to give yourself time and cool down a bit so as not to aggravate the situation with “harmful” showdowns and mutual reproaches. Throwing insults in her face, in an attempt to persuade a woman to change her mind, you can only on the contrary convince her of the correctness of the break. Unfortunately, we do not have the ability to influence the free will of another person, and if your wife has a firm belief in the need for a break, then it is not so easy to change it.
Gap situations are very different. Some men, having come home, find an empty wardrobe, and on the table a note: “Sorry, goodbye.” Others do not even receive a note, but only a half-empty apartment. Sometimes the women leave, slamming the door loudly and shaking the air with insults.
Many people, both women and men, can harbor the idea of breaking up relationships for years, but something quite serious must happen for a woman to decide to break up.
Whatever the gap, stop. Walk around the apartment, make tea and look out the window. There is no war, aliens do not take over the earth, cyborgs do not kill people, and everything else can be slowly dealt with. Unfortunately, it is impossible to immediately drown out the mental pain, and you don’t need to do this. Think about how your wife reacted? She left, that's a fact. It hurts you, too. And at this stage, the gap is the boundary to which you have come together. To accept the fact of her act means to move on. Any break in relations, if it is undesirable, is grief, which has its own stages of development. Unfortunately, if the process of grieving is delayed, it is better to consult a psychologist.
If you can't handle your feelings, don't resort to alcohol. Call a friend with whom you have a stable friendship and just share the situation, get support and understanding. Also, do not immediately unite with relatives and indignant friends in a sense of hatred and a vengeful impulse against your loved one - such a strategy will only harm. At this stage, your task is the same - to regain the opportunity to rationally understand what happened and in connection with what, so as not to step on the rake twice.
Try to understand how this situation is fair in relation to you? Was there any real reason for the wife to do this? If “yes”, then at one moment you still can’t change. Admit to yourself that you are who you are. If you do not suit her, then she has the right to act in her own way. And each of you has the opportunity to arrange later life as he can, wants and knows how. Without this knowledge, progress is impossible.
If you cannot regain your composure, then despair will seize you. You will feel a whole range of negative emotions, from feelings of humiliation and depression to wild rage. Everything that you do not promise your beloved woman in a state of despair is meaningless. It is also pointless to have "girls" - one-time sex will rather arouse self-loathing than help to cope with the situation. The novelty of sensations will very soon develop into insensibility, and insensibility into depression. You should not “drown” the pain in wine, there is a danger of “hanging out” in depression not only for six months, but also for a year, two, three or more - to become an alcoholic.
Second step is to look at the situation from different points of view. Unfortunately, within the framework of this article, it is not possible to consider all the reasons why women leave their beloved men, but it is possible to find obvious things. Often the reasons for a breakup include:
1. Addiction to alcohol, excessive aggressiveness.
2. Misunderstanding of the needs of a woman.
3. Avoidance of responsibility for the family, removal from participation in it.
4. Too different characters and temperament - there is no way to agree and come to an understanding and mutual satisfaction of basic needs. So one may like to sit at home in front of the TV or hunt tigers, while the other suffers without theater and cultural and entertainment trips. One partner needs little tenderness and sex once a week, while the other needs much more. There are extremely sensual women for whom making love twice a week is a necessary minimum, and there are women for whom even once every two weeks is enough.
5. Treason.
There are many other more complex reasons. If you are able to recognize these reasons and you have the strength to change the existing state of affairs, then you can proceed to the preparation of the third step.
But before that, I'll tell you a story. A man turned to a psychologist who was able to break off relations with a woman after 15 years life together. Calm and balanced, having achieved a lot in his life path, quite accomplished personally and socially, decided to leave his wife. He left and calmly spent the first evening after the break with a cup of tea and a delicious cake. For 15 years, he faced tantrums and fights almost every evening. His wife beat him, but he endured. Not at all because he was not able to fight back, but because he did not beat women - his upbringing did not allow human values either. Two years after the breakup, he could not even think about starting a new relationship. Any mention of marriage brought him into a state of denial. Any woman who showed attention to him resembled his wife and her behavior. When he realized that despite all the trials that he faced earlier, he did not lose hope for a sincere and close relationship, but he realized that he could not trust women and was afraid of repeating the previous experience. It was with this request that he turned for help.
Regularly came to personal psychotherapy. During the time spent in the study of personal history, the study of their real needs and preferences, I figured out that it's not just about a person's gender, but about personal characteristics. He became interested in psychology, read many books and agreed with the opinion of the outstanding psychologist, Erich Fromm, that the relationship between a man and a woman is, first of all, a relationship between people, and everything that is characteristic of people in a relationship is characteristic of a relationship between a man and a woman. He understood what kind of woman he needed and was also able to decide what kind of person he could get along with.
If you are ready to deal with what happened on your own, try to separate the wheat from the chaff and look at the situation from the outside, how you influenced the relationship, how your wife influenced the relationship. What was more in this relationship - good for you or bad? Are you really interested in getting back in a relationship?
When is it useless to try to return the relationship? When everything you do, whatever you say, everything is bad and “not what you need”. It means that you simply do not suit each other, because a woman simply does not accept you as a person, as a person. Sometimes, it also happens that in order to find any other relationship, you will have to spend energy on your own change, or be left without a pair relationship. There are men, as well as women, who are not suitable for paired relationships.
If it is difficult for you to assess your own personality, your contribution to the relationship, to figure out what happened, seek help from a psychologist who will professionally draw up a personal portrait, help identify the real reasons and help find the best way out of the situation. The involvement of a professional is much more effective than the advice of even a very close, trusted friend.
Step Three. This step is possible only in one case, if you are really ready for a very difficult process of personal changes, and also see the need for joint changes and can convince your spouse that these changes are within your power and hers. It is possible to check the reality of the changes at the reception of a family psychologist. Moreover, she can only believe that the two of you can change when she sees how you act and what decisions you make. Unfortunately, if you have not correctly assessed your own capabilities or hers, then it is better not to start returning relationships, so as not to be deceived yourself and not to face even greater emotional costs. Sometimes breaking up an unsuccessful relationship is salvation and real success.
When should you consider the need for collaborative change?
In the event that the spouses have children, feelings for each other, and in fact, it is quite obvious that the rupture was caused by difficulties in mutual understanding, everyday troubles, interference in the family of close relatives, etc. It also happens that people with different temperaments get along quite well, because their basic needs can be satisfied if they meet each other halfway. Moreover, it happens that people can truly love each other, but due to a long misunderstanding they cannot find a common language, then it is possible and desirable to develop the necessary skills of interaction and mutual understanding. For example, take a joint family therapy course, bonding training or communication programs.
What can be the help of a family psychologist and how it is carried out, you can read in the article “Why do we need family psychotherapy” and Family psychotherapy from the inside?
Sincerely, Maria Romantsova
Professional family psychologist, director of the Rapprochement center, Gestalt therapist.
Quoting Tahir:
And SU-KA want (when you realize that this fagot is fucking your wife in your house on your bed and driving in your car) you are at this moment based on the above article. I must understand that you are with YOUR PAIN!! I don’t believe in it myself .. I’ll wait a year and then we’ll see .. ALL OF YOU MEN FORCE OF THE SPIRIT. PATIENCE WISDOM. GOOD HEALTH. LIVE LONGER AND BETTER AND MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN THOSE WHO BETRAYED YOU
You know, when I gave her a divorce, I thought she would calm down and everything would work out. How wrong I was ... Not so long ago, about a week ago, I can’t sleep, I also suffered from insomnia all the time and had no appetite, I had lost a lot of weight by this time. "How I dreamed of throwing off a couple of kilos" Lost one thing, got another. As a result, recently, something didn’t sleep for me, I was directly tormented by something “6 feelings” And I remembered that I know the password from her Id, I went in, looked and looked around, that’s putting it mildly. I saw some type who kisses her on the cheek, where they sit in a cafe.etc. And as he wrote above, he doesn’t give me peace either. (that someone is fucking her, hugging her.) And before that she said that she lives with her friends, and that she has nothing to do with him. Which is very doubtful. I was offended that the man cried and said how I treated her, how I didn’t appreciate offended (this is of course all true) And then they didn’t have time to get a divorce. She is already with another ... I thought that she was so hysterically asking for a divorce. It turns out that a new fucker has appeared. I talked to her, she says she will think about starting everything again before the New Year. I asked her to think if she definitely had nothing with him ... Which I do not expect, but I expect that she will not return. Why am I saying this. My divorce is the pinnacle of failure in my life. I'm not complaining, I'm not pretending to be poor. But my life is a complete failure. And the departure of his wife is proof that I could not even support my wife. The bottom, my life has been reached. And I was left without a job. *It's not my fault* My decision to leave this life is in force. I don't want to be poisoned, broadcast or do something else. I want to put a bullet in the forehead. And I decided. If someone has a barrel, I'm ready to buy. Of course I will find, there are a couple of options. But, if suddenly someone has it here? That, I'm ready to buy. And yes, let them say things like *you're weak, she's not worth it, be strong, etc.* I mean one thing, she's not the reason. The reason has developed as a whole with her departure. Something like this...
there is little time left before the new year, until the next year, well, or until spring, you will see the bottom of it in life or not (it’s been 4 months for me, like I’m starting to rise in the spring, I’ll definitely let the chicks undress, maybe something will change) you’ll always be successful, and then while your parents are alive, your life belongs to them and not to you, slow down, swell just not for long, go in for sports !! good luck in short, decide for yourself BUT I WILL NOT BE PLEASANT IF YOU DO NOT LISTEN TO ALL OF US !!
How to behave to an abandoned husband?
You should not panic, life does not end there, you also do not need to succumb to depression about this. Define your line of conduct:- Stop feeling sorry for yourself. go to gym. Not only physical activity will be useful, but also mental, the more you are loaded, the easier this stage will pass. You will sort out the papers, accounts, real estate, the affairs that the spouse was engaged in, now you will need to conduct.
- FROM ex-wife behave with dignity, no tantrums, no accusations, you still have to divide property and children will want to see and participate in their future. Accept the fact of her departure and plan your life further.
- Section of the environment of friends, relatives. Difficulties may arise here, as friends were common, it will also be hard for them, because they will have to choose a side. You have two options: either run away until things calm down, or be a man and face reality face to face, decide everything now.
Should I try to get my wife back?
The situation is not given to a person just like that. The lesson is over - the teacher leaves. Perhaps you have already solved your karmic tasks with this person, and a new lesson awaits you on the path of life. Answer the following questions honestly:When the spouses have lived for ten years, or even more, the reasons for the partner's departure will not be one, but a complete set of dissatisfaction accumulated over the years. The emotional background from what happened will subside, then in a calm atmosphere, discuss what interests you in a relationship. Sometimes couples come to an understanding and remain friends.
